should I?

Everyday I ask myself the same questions
day and night
night and day
seeking for an answer
looking for an appropriate window

there was none
what makes me think there will be?

maybe I just shouldn't
miracles don't happen
dreams don't materialize

shit happens
shut up & live with it

there is nothing worse than the feeling that no one cares whether we exist or not, that no one is interested in what we have to say about life, and that the world can continue turning without our awkward presence. (from The Zahir)

Life is just so fragile
Honestly, I feel like crap

am trying very hard
summoning the courage within
go through the same shit myself every morning
showering myself with hopes and promises
nothing ever get any close

self-doubt deters my courage
esteem suppresses my confidence

I really need a change for the new year
Maybe I should just chill
enjoy my holidays till I come back again next year

that's a thought...
to leave the worrying to the future.

pitter-patter

how much have we sinned?
are there so much sins to be wash away?
it has been raining for 48 hours and still raining

been really cold
the weather
and everything else

I've lost it all

'Do you know what I would like to know? I'd like to know if you love me as much as I love you. But I don't have the courage to ask. Why do I have such frustrating relationships with men? I always feel like I have to be in relationship and that means I have to be fantastic, intelligent, sensitive, exceptional person. The effort of seduction forces me to give of my best and that helps me. Besides, it's really hard living on your own, and I don't know if that's the best option either.' Marie (The Zahir)


I wouldn't say it's hard, but it sure ain't easy living by your own.

At times, I do wish I don't have to be so strong and independent... Oh heck! The rain is getting into my brain-wiring system. :p

Anyway, I wouldn't really recommend The Zahir... very long-winded story. out of 5 I'll rate 3. I only read it because it's the only book I have with me in the lab. Honest speaking, come to think of it. Don't waste your time on this one, you can just give it a pass.

Oh well
still pitter-pattering
and I wonder when will it ends...

alone standing

I'm upset.

not because of what had happened
but what I realized from what had happened

I cannot read minds
but I read people's actions and speech
I see people (yes dear, not dead people)

I'm upset because...
after all and everything
I am still alone standing

holding onto something which is not even there

utmost silly!

Never Let Me Go

Good things do happen in life
If you believe that you will be blessed
then blessed you are
Never let me go
hold on to me tight

A well written sci-fi

It happens in life
so much so we believe in something that we almost thought it is real
even when we know deep inside somewhere it is untrue
we still cling onto this tiny hope
hoping that one day when you confront
some miracles might happen
but then again, you are hesitant to find out
because you are afraid of the answer
which is not the answer you are seeking
life is full of contradictories
as well as wonders and surprises!
what will life be without some anxiety and ups and downs
no matter what happen
regardless what shit happens
I'll stand by you *hugs* always

Other people know damn well how to run others' lives
but not their own... ain't it sad?
regardless what people say or do to you
you are still a unique individual, one entity;
don't ever forget that *winks*

I read your kindness

I saw it all...

no matter whether it's happy ending or otherwise
at least you believed
at least you dreamed
at least you dared to show courage
you did the best you could to live
and that is all that matters

Hold onto me, and never let me go. =)

Metta

Oh well, I won't elaborate the meaning of it, you can check it out here. :)

yeah, so now you know *wink*

You asked me why, I do not know the answer either. I understand your situation but not everyone does. Everyone is simply different.

I see a different light of you. I am glad. :) I do.

Kindness do exist in the midst of troubles, violence and yes, shit. Haha... Oh well, even though life sucks most of the time, but at least there are people making effort to make lives easier and comfortable. Thank you! and you are one of them! =) If only... never mind. *smiles*

Anyway, take care everyone, don't fall sick! and yes, spread the joy and love, it's the season of giving and sharing!! :D

Merry Christmas!! *hugs*

with love,
PIGGY

Joanne meets Joanne

I met Joanne again after so many years! yes, she has grown! =) still so cute as ever though. I don't have a camera. only a VGA camera phone haha. oh well... budak kampung miskin what.. :p Anyway, took pictures with Joanne and Jane with my lousy phone(ok, correction, Jay's phone). ;)

Anyway, this week been like so damn freaking busy (lab+choir). But yeah, it's good to be busy. :)

I realised I haven't really been out. and I certainly don't have time to. hmm.. good in a way, don't have to spend unnecessary money.

My December schedule is simply just crazy and hectic and fun. How exciting!

Dora's nose is dripping now, again, and her voice has turned sexy! yeah! stupid girl.

Oh heck, don't even know what I'm crapping about here.

sign out la girl.. ok! :) take care everyone!

speak less

talking too much nonsense
sorry about that

thinking too much also
should stop
it's heading no where by thinking

start working
speak less
stop the nonsense
sing to myself
smile always
&
sleep (most essential)

:) goodnight!

fastest decision ever made

The moment I was told to take a break from lab for the weekend, haha... first thought came into my mind "what should I do then? why not I just go home?" And guess what, I did!

Dad and bro were really surprised to see me! Jay was like stunned for 3 seconds, then asked, "what are you doing here?" hahaha... It is real fun to be home again! especially after exams!

Dinner was delicious today! Mum cooked herbal chicken soup (yummy!), sting-ray assam curry (soooo much much much better than the YIH canteen's)& we had the Muar's famous otak-otak too! hahaha... nice!

Ivan came back today! Karin and Adele will be back on Tuesday. Ahh.. really miss all my cousins! And, I will have to go back to the N U of S on Monday. wish I could just stay back longer to meet my dear cousins. But then again, I shall meet all of them during end of Dec! *looking forward to* *hugs*

Oh well, meanwhile will just enjoy my time at home! :) Don't even want to think of other stuff that has to be done! :p

Take care people, exams should be finishing soon for everyone! :) Enjoy the holidays!

but why...

damn the weird dreams are back. can i put a stop to it? it is driving me nuts.

i saw the man
in my dreams
the same man
every night
it's scary

dreams are illusions
please please go away
the feeling of waking up
from such dreams
doesn't feel good at all

haha.. okay, it's only just a series of dreams. do not fear. *hugs*

"but why..." I dunno why, don't ask me. I guess it is the thought, the fear of losing that generate such illusions in my head. But then again, people walk in and out of our lives. and I'm truly happy that our lives have crossed in the journey.

Sometimes, I wish I have the answers to all my questions too. :)

lost for words

two letters
one heavy word
couldn't be uttered
"NO!" screaming inside
only silence in cadence

---
ever felt trapped? People can't just push you around just because you are nice right?

is it true whatever we do we must gain something in return? even at the expense of another? If it's true; the world is sick, and it sucks. everything is superficial.

the world isn't ruled by money alone for goodness sake. everything isn't only about dollars and cents. it's much more than that.

heh, complicated huh.. never mind. the world is really sick. and silly girl is trapped in a sick world. she's lost for words. but she still has hopes, she still believes in sincerity, trust, and love. :) hugs

to my dear friends, love you, take care!

Yes, I do love you, and remember your p's & q's! *wink*

free hugs

Another free hugs video. This is from NYC. quite cool. :)

I'll give hugs for free if people don't give me the what-the-****-is-wrong-with-that-girl look :p Ok.. I'm crapping again. you should stop it girl. Alright. Don't think you can do the free hugs campaign here anyway. haha.

Dear mummy, yes, I will count piggys :p haha.. love you!

sweet dreams everyone!
***
Digress a bit, my fan needs to be cleaned. It's snowing black snow already. sucks. *hint hint* don't care, by hook or by crook, must get it cleaned before I go to bed tomorrow night.

a bit pointless post, but nvm.. I'm happy for now. last battle tomorrow.

dont' waste your time. doesn't make sense. :p

People get bored of my complaints
If that is not the case
I do get bored of myself

After so many tests, going through the same shit over and over again for 3 years, I really have nothing to say. Hmm... I don't even know now whether is this a good sign or bad. Getting bored of myself.. weirdo.

Much thoughts have been through my head recently; in and out, thinking about shit and stuff.

Whatever state that I'm in, I guess I'm the ultimate person to be blamed. I wouldn't have let anyone led me to this current mess if I have not consented to it right? Maybe.

I remembered a friend once told me. You can't tell yourself to stop thinking about something, because by doing so, you are actually activating that same thought that you are trying to stop. heh.. it does make some sense huh. So well, I won't ask myself to stop thinking, but, just, oh well, let it be. Whatever will be will be... let the future do the worrying. I guess. :p

For the first time in life I thought I should really just settle down, get a boyfriend, get a job that I enjoy working, earn money, pursue my interest, read all the books that I want, watch soccer again, write more, keep singing, travelling, get a house by the beach, retire young, retire rich of course haha.. Oh man.. I'm crapping the hell out of myself. shut up.

well, I do not have the privilege to complaint, but I certainly do have the liberty to crap, don't I? *wink*

If I die, I want white flowers, everything to be in white. :) thanks.

Talking about death, why do serial killers always chop people up and not melt them in a pan? Hahahhaa.. sorry, just saw Lauren Graham on The Late, Late Show, she was talking about that. (I find it very funny haha.. dunno why, maybe cos I'm just bored of studying, such a good distraction - youtube :p) I love lauren graham. In a way, I think I'm just as crappy as her. haha. I'm just an irritating girl.

Btw, do you believe in reward as in retribution? I guess I do, very much to a certain extent.

I don't like being used. f***! am I a paranoid skeptic to think that most people around me are just using me? not you people *hugs* *smiles* I'm just being a little nuts here, so just ignore me, k :) Sometimes I just feel stuck and compelled to do something which I don't really want to, but more of obligation or rather forced obligation. sucks. and the worse part of it, they try to make you feel good doing shit.

Oh heck.. I hope no one really analyse this crap I'm writing.. just writing for the sake of it. sorry, not meant to be reader-friendly. I'm so in the wrong mood right now. crap, it's exam season girl!! and you almost just died, remember?? doesn't that trigger any emergency button to save your ass??

OKAY. I'm outta here! :p gotta save my ass! Haha.

To everyone taking exams, hang in there, exams going to be over soon, GOOD LUCk and ALL THE BEST!! ** lucky stars ** for YOU! mwah!

Let the games begin!

okay... not feeling any anxiety just yet. better don't panic tomorrow morning. :p

should just sleep early.. getting a lot of sleep lately. really turning into a real piggy already haha.

4 days of exams in a row. how exciting. well, let the games begin. let's see how I fair by the end of this week, dead or alive. :p

good luck and all the best to everyone too!

thanks for all the well wishes, my dear family and friends :) hugs

love, Joanne.

weird dreams

having weird dreams...
not really scary or sweet
just very odd.

leave you in a tangled feelings
all mixed up, confused, and intertwined
reality and dreams converging into one
incapable of being judgmental

weird.

I'm getting very bitchy & crappy too

been getting this series of dreams for a week already
better stop or I'll really go nuts
haha.. am already behaving weirdly,
don't drive me crazy my dear little brain of mine

*phew*
maybe that's why I get all so sleepy during the day?
wow.. today is a wasted day.
been sleeping on and off today.. lazy pig :p

oh well.. go n sleep now. sweet dreams.
no more unusual dreams for me tonight k ;)

beautiful day

wake up to the sunrise
the birth of a new day
to a day of hope and life
the birds are cheerily chirping
the buses are busy at the start of day
people going to work
students going to school

you wonder how your day going to be
good? bad? happy? moody?
do you feel the anxiety
or the dread of daily routine
a new day has come
embrace it with joy!

everyday is a beautiful day :)

***
I know I get the dread sometimes. and sometimes I get the after-feeling of nightmare/weird dreams. afraid that it might come true. sometimes I wish to linger longer on those sweet dreams hoping that they are real :) But, it's time to wake up to reality. don't sleep till late, the morning is too beautiful to be missed. yes, it is. (although I don't get to see the sunrise everyday haha..)

take care people!

to those who are working, wish you all the best in work! ^^
to those who are studying, good luck for exams and enjoy school life! ;)
to those who always wake up late, get your a** out of your bed early! you are missing the good things in life! :p

*warm hugs*

another weird entry.. haha. ok, girl, don't say that I'm not. :p just crapping while waiting for my laundry.

Last weekend

This is my weekend home :) That's my little brother Amos.

"can I pinch your cheek?" asked Joanne jiejie
"can!" said Amos cheekily.
haha... cheeky boy!

That was the cheeky boy. :p









I manage to meet up with Wei too! :) Thanks for the lunch!

Bumped into my secondary school mates in Jonker Walk. Haha, one can always bump into someone one knows at Jonker Walk. Yes, Melaka is small, almost everyone is connected somehow to another.

And this nice lady in pink here is my dear mummy :) love you! mwah hugs! haha.. the pic was taken while mum was preparing lunch.

"aiyo, don't take picture, I need to wash these vege" nagged mummy.
"never mind la, very fast, quick, look into the camera.. [snap!:p]" Joanne mummy's girl answered.



Everyone at home is well =) i'm happy.

Good Luck Joyce! Don't be scared, stop being paranoid also! You will do just fine!
And yes, I do believe in your dreams. :) Sometimes I wished I dreamt of him too, regardless real or not, I think all of us miss him being with us. As for your other dream, haha.. I hope so too that I'll be able to bring one back to show you all someday, but of course he must treat all of you with respect :)

Weekend at home was great. simply love, joy and family haha.

Oh well, now back in school. mugging time. exam period. sucks. I don't even want to think about after exams which I even dread more. fyp resumes. here I come again to break things in lab. yes, Wei, I am very clumsy. silly girl me.

Journey

Regardless what the ending is,
it's the journey that matters most. :)

Being with you is one of the best times in life,
no matter where it leads to,
I have enjoyed the journey with you.

There are lots of things to say and do,
yet so limited time, energy and resources.

Sometimes I do not have enough courage,
sometimes there isn't any opportunity,
sometimes I do not know whom to trust,
and sometimes I'm just a little too late.

I just hope that one day,
when I look back in life,
I can proudly proclaim that,
I have thoroughly enjoyed my journey to the end of life
and that will be the best thing ever. =)

--
haha.. don't ask me why the sudden weird entry, just happen to be another random thought by the weird mind of the weird girl. what is in your head anyway? haha... I wonder does it serve any better purposes rather than crapping away all the time :p

On Love

Someone sent this through email, I just want to share it with all of you :)

~It is not the magnitude of our action that counts but the depth of love we put into it.
Mother Teresa shows us how, “Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

~Even a small thing like being present for others can be done with great love.

~A smile, a handshake, a word of encouragement, a phone call, a card, an embrace, a kind greeting, a gesture of support, a moment of attention, a helping hand, a present, a financial contribution, a visit---all these are little steps toward love.

~Each step is like a candle burning in the night. It does not take the darkness away, but it guides us through the darkness. When we look back after many small steps of love, we will discover that we have made a long and beautiful journey.

~To pay attention to others with the desire to make them the center and to make their interests our own is a real form of self-emptying, since to be able to receive others into our intimate inner space we must be empty. That is why listening is so difficult. It means our moving away from the center of attention and inviting others into that space.

~When someone listens to us with real concentration and expresses sincere care for our struggles and our pains, we feel that something very deep is happening to us. Slowly, fears melt away, tensions dissolve, anxieties retreat, and we discover that we carry within us something we can trust and offer as a gift to others. The simple experience of being valuable and important to someone else has a tremendous re-creative power.

love, Joanne. :)

lousy

can never do anything right, can you?

ever so clumsy, butter-fingered, silly girl.
cracked a beaker today,
broke the chamber's glass & one of the plastic-stands,
not to mention one of the cell flasks got contaminated
& the constant messy lab work
sigh... and my scaffolds are torn

It's more than lab work that I'm lousy
it's everything

哑巴心声的女孩。。
女孩的愿望很简单
我要做个开心的好人 能吗？
只要自己觉得心中无愧就好了
无论别人怎么推猜及判断自己
过好自己那关就够了
小小女孩怎么顾得了那么多
仅有一双小小手掌 小小心胸
能做得就只有这么一点点
尽力就好 好好努力实现自己的愿望。

若能从来，我愿做个哑巴女孩吗？
一个哑巴女孩 因口出祸的机率是零
或许这样比较好
正所谓∶祸从口出，病从口入。

但，唯有一个很大的遗憾—永远再也不能歌唱了。

哑巴心声女孩 千言万语
完全没有字语足够形容心中的话
藏在心底的实话 永远都锁在心中的宝库

I hope that I don't fail as bad as a person, compared to my lab work.

~lousy

---
I'm ok people, really :) I'm just writing crap. good luck in exams! study hard!

致您 =)

今日不如往昔的日子
人随着岁月的成长渐渐的改变
你我的交情一直在改变
不断改善吗？还是恶劣？
为何厌倦？为何欢喜？
时间能冲淡一切
光阴也能证明一切的保存期
到底你我的交情期限能保留多久

往日的知己 今日已慢慢变成陌生
今日的知己 来日还会在人生道路上交叉吗？
还是也会随着岁月而流 一去不回
朋友只是人生的偶遇吗？
何谓天长地久 友谊万岁
是神话还是实事

谁也无法告知未来
但愿彼此的友情永不朽
感恩所拥有的一切 所有的朋友

一言难尽。

又是寂寞的季节。多少有些感触。毕竟人类是集体生活的万物之灵。鸟儿也不例外。

突然好想回家。小小游子思乡的日子很郁闷。

独自在异乡深造，虽有朋友在旁，毕竟还是没有知音的对象诉苦，谈心。

有时真厌倦自己在做的事情。真的是没有选择中的选择吗？为何人往往就是糊糊涂涂，匆匆忙忙的过人生？

写作已成为我唯一倾诉的方法。虽然华文不好，但是得努力练习。:)

心里有很多的感触。一言难尽。

好想永远保留着美好回忆
好想追求自己的梦想
好想勇敢的踏出这影形圈套
不想再受多种无理规矩约束
不想为其他人而生存
好想掌握自己的命运，能吗？
我可有这个本事？
有时真是难以置信，
到底自己最想要的是什么。

conversation during dinner

me: I think I want to go home next weekend
A1: are you crazy?
me: why? :p
A1: crazy lah

few minutes later...
me: eh, I think I want to go home next weekend *smiles*
A2: I want to shit
me: hey..
A2 not listening again..

Haha.. such dull conversations and such helpful friends! Anyway, I think I am going home next weekend. I hope. *fingers crossed* Yes, I know am crazy, heck, everyone is crazy in NUS. *bluek :p* Just back for the weekend what... go home la girl *wink* it will do me all good and no bad. haha... I need all the love and care and hugs and kisses and whatever shit from home!! *grins* I'll be well-charged and all ready for "the battles"!! haha.. not too soon girl, don't come back from home and cry! If I'm not crazy I do not know what I am.

tell me I'm sane.

Anyway on a more serious note, seems like malaysia is going through some rough shit. I hope everything's ok back home... :) and what about the big race issue all of a sudden? We are all Malaysians, bangsa Malaysia, regardless of race, color and religion. What the f*** about inequality, we have lived with that for almost 50 years and all of a sudden it is a big hoo ha!

OK, one last update. Americans voted for a change. Democrats won on House of representatives.

apakah batasan balasan?

berbuat baik dibalas baik?
berbuat jahat dibalas jahat?

Kadang-kala terasanya ketidak-adilan
walaupun berbuat baik bukan semata untuk balasannya
tetapi lebih daripada keikhlasan hati dan jiwa

adakah bodoh untuk membiarkan diri dipergunakan walaupun menyedarinya?
adakah bodoh untuk mengorbankan diri untuk kebahagiaan lain?
adakah bodoh untuk memberi peluang kepada diri dan orang lain?

Apakah batasan untuk pertolongan?

*senyuman* walaupun sering digelar budak bodoh, tetapi selalu memberitahu diriku, biar bodoh, tidak angkuh; biar gembira, tidak resah; biar cinta, tidak benci.

Sering menanya diri soalan-soalan yang tidak terjawab dan mengelirukan. Ada kala hampirnya hilang harapan akan banyak peristiwa, namun, selalu cuba meyakinkan diri bahawa dunia ini tiada yang tidak boleh diatasi. Moga-moga. **

---
Just felt that I should practice my Malay language :)

It's the beginning...

of a long marathon
a test of endurance
a test of concentration

of time where there is no time allowance to fall sick & get distracted by external forces..

of test of faith & trust
---

clear your head.. don't confused yourself iced-coffee with iced tea anymore, or petri dish with its cover.. silly girl me.

Dear me, you will be all right =) like you've always been able to pull through struggles, this time round will not be any different too.

Although not all things can turn out the way we want it to be, but we all do our best to achieve what we can, the rest is beyond our limits. *wink* Some things are not meant to be, do not dwell and just move on with the stream of life. Shit happens, people come & leave.. every time some things happen, we are a changed person and we all learn from each encounter/change. We should be grateful of all things, don't we? :)

*warm hugs*

To everyone, good luck with studies or work! No matter what, things will always turn out fine by the end of the day. I believe they do. *smiles*

Long and tired week

Yeah.. indeed it is.

I am tired, feeling little sick, getting rather blurr & muddle headed; but fortunately, I am not in a bad mood regardless the tiredness & pressure I'm getting from everywhere.

wtf right? I can't change things which are external.. beyond the control of my small palms. Doing my best to keep myself sane & alive is already a huge task, I have no time to get into a bad mood haha.. yeah right.

Anyway, am really tired now.. my eyes are closing.

Goodnight everyone and happy birthday Aaron! (sorry for the messed-up haha..)

May you be blessed

Thanks girl... =)

This is dedicated to everyone: May you be blessed. *warm hugs*

No matter what shit you are in, there is always goodness somewhere. There is. *smiles* It doesn't require the change of mind, more of change of heart. :) Everyone can do it and you'll be a happy person.

love,
Joanne.

Is this as good as it gets?

Remember? the Jack Nicholson movie sometime ago. ok, not that way back then, but heck, it's almost 10 years ago.. ok, 9. :p (not the best video clip... but that's one of the better ones I could find.)

One of my favourite movies =) As good as it gets
[don't read the spoilers, watch the movie!!]

Why the sudden reminiscence of that movie? haha.. I dunno.

I think there's something real connects which appeal to me.. no matter how different people are, our lives are somehow or another interconnected. And sometimes, it's not really a matter of choice whether you want or do not want, things just happen for God-knows-whatever reason.

The movie leaves you smiling and thinking.. is life really as good as it gets?

Maybe it is *wink wink*

I see people around me, everyone is different and unique. I smile upon realizing everyone's differences, and am amazed and awed that we complement one another in a way or another. People don't have to like everyone, but I think people should respect one another no matter how much you dislike that person(s).

we should be thankful of the people around us. =) regardless what kind of people. without them, we are nobody. It is true indeed that we define ourselves through others.

what is brain without the fool?
what is beauty without the ugly?
what is good without the evil?
what is happy without the sadness?
what is merry without the loneliness?

Be thankful, always.. *smiles* It is always the presence of other that makes you want to be a better person. And who it is to define "better" hmm? haha.. this is getting too philosophical. Anyway, just be grateful my dear ones :)

*hugs* (yes, you can tell Dora is in a good mood *grins* ^^)

How long can it last...

Happiness I meant. :)

I can sense that all will be gone by end of this week.

Choir going to stop soon.
FYP not going too smoothly... I think there's some problem now. (not so prominent yet, but yeah, it'll come, we'll see)
Time to catch up with my tech electives.

But then again, happiness won't have its meaning if there is no period of downfall right? *winks*

Joanne is slacking too much this week. She has ample time for House, Nick Hornby, being busy-body, sleep.. etc. Such happy lifetstyle... too good to be true that it's starting to get bit worrisome. haha. Joanne is so paradoxical, ain't she? :p

While I'm still in good mood, I should blog more... my blog is full of shit haha. should compensate with some happy stuff.

Shall take this opportunity to thank everyone for everything!! sounds like I just got a best-something award haha... oh well, peduli la.. selagi gembira sudah lah kan?

Thanks Joanne, for keeping the positive attitude!
Thanks Barclays group for giving me such a great time singing with u all!
Thanks NUS Choir! Love all of you!
Thanks for last Monday's outing, the playground episode, the waffle which makes me happy, the nice company, the thoughtfulness... etc. *smiles*

And finally, big big thank you to mummy! *hugs with love* Thank you for all the food & love!

If you think you deserve a better life, you are wrong. We are fortunate children and we should be thankful for that.

Be grateful and cherish what you have at present.

Everyone thinks about death at a certain point in their lives, and perhaps wanting to die, it is as if the thought of death is part of life itself. It is indeed.

Laugh often. :) It's the best medicine so it claims, I think it's true.

In the midst of darkness, there will be light somewhere...

Even if shit happens, don't complain, you never know what worse shit you could get.

Value everything you have, do not take things for granted.

Ever after exists in fairy tales, but in real life, they do have happy endings, right? *wink*

Joyful, joyful

We had lots of fun learning the dance steps today! =) Thanks to Reren and Pat!! *mwah*

I remember the good old days of NUS Choir
the fun and joy we had all these years
and of course, looking forward to more to come! :)
at least I still have one and a half sem with the choir!
I shall cherish all the times.. *smiles*

I miss all my fellow graduated choir brothers and sisters
have been awesome singing alongside them
thanks to the seniors who have been patient with me
thanks to the juniors who tolerate my craziness
thanks to the comm's effort making NUS choir enjoyable!! *big grin*
2003-04 Melody & HZ; 2004-05 Weyling & Shihui; 2005-06 KK & Iris; 2006-07 Iris & Aaron

4 years! [No, I'm not a year 2 :p, though I wish I am]
I'm sure will miss the juniors when I've graduated!
the Indo people is so fun! haha..
of course there's little girl, tribal and the rest too *wink*
[must mingle around more la girl =)]
I just love NUS Choir..
If I have a choice I'd rather be with the choir always!!

I will definitely miss..
the process of getting to know juniors every year..
the learning of songs..
the frustrations of screwed notes and tempos..
the excitements of performing..
the after choir suppers..
the occasional choir outings..
the bitching session! haha.. [sometimes :p]
the ups and downs..
the exam study sessions..
and lots and lots more...

What would life have been without NUS Choir Joanne wonders..

Anyways... Big thanks to all of you!! *warm hugs*

semi-drunken

Oh not really la.. *wink*

It's Friday night! I was chit-chatting with Damien after coming back from library, took his advice, to not study! woohoo! felt guilty, but.. heck, who cares anyway, I study everyday! yup ;)

Iris is right, Yakult + Vodka actually tasted good! Well, thanks to Joseph's vodka! (only a tiny little sip :p)

Ah well, little alcohol doesn't leave me in a drunken mode la.. not even semi-drunk, was just hmm.. dunno. haha. Ok, getting bit weird now.

Suddenly I remember my high school days, my best friends and all the things that happened... wow, that was really damn long ago. seemed ages... I received email from Wei today, thanks girl, great to know you are doing fine with your thesis! :) Anyway, back to the history of Joanne Lim, a bit of flash back, it was rather eventful and exciting to a certain degree. Come to think of how many friends that I actually keep in touch with today, it's rather sad... nah, better don't mention it.

Hence, Joanne wonders, where will her life heads to next year? She'll be stepping into another phase of her life again... it's a big step ok, to be in the working world. Oh well, maybe I should stop thinking about it, and focus more on the present, yeah, I should. =) ok.

Joanne feels so helpless at times, but she can only do this much.. she has done her best she thinks. She hopes that she hasn't done anything stupid or what though. *smiles*

To dear mummy, and everyone at home, really miss all of you! =) Happy Deepavali and Selamat Hari Raya! Take care! *hugs & kisses* mwah!

Alright, haha.. I shall stop babbling and blog some other time! =)

to whom that is reading, I am not crazy, maybe just a lil weird =)

Dear Joanne,

How have you been doing? Hope life has gotten better since I've last heard, less shit I hope. *wink*

I've been busy with Nickelodeon. The station is considering reviewing my show, might cut down from 3 times a day to 2. Ah well, can't always be on the high time all the time, right? Spongebob is still as good, maintaining its TV viewers ratings.

Forgot my backpack the other day, luckily Boots was there with me. We managed to find our way through our explorations the whole day. I guess I am getting tired maybe I should consider resigning and let other girls try out the Dora role, mm? What do you think?

Anyway, I'll stop here for now, do take care, girl! =)

Hugs with love,
Dora.

***

Dear Dora,

I'm doing ok. Ok is just ok... not too good, not too bad, surviving in the pile of shit alright. oops. :p Life still sucks. The thought of the future is bleak. I am not ready yet, totally.. to step into society, leaving the life I have, and such. Honestly, secretly, sometimes I wish I were you.. ever the 7 year old happy bubbly girl!

Weird though, I've never watched a single episode of yours, girl, I feel bad about it. Oh well, I've heard mixed reviews, some find it irritating, some find it interesting. different target group of audiences I guess. haha, no worries about it anyway!

Btw, do u really want to quit Dora role? why not you speak to Spongebob, Jimmy and Peter, see what they say? :) Boots will definitely miss you in the show... I'd say stay for a while to see how it goes from here, give it another shot. Don't get too anxious to grow up! *wink*

Anyway, nice to hear from you, Dora. will stop here. You take good care too!

with love, hugs, & kisses,
Joanne.

some out-of-my-mind moments to speak to myself, again. :P ah well, weird girl I am, but I still have my sanity intact. no worries.. alright.. I should go get some serious work done. wanted to go a for a swim this morning, but, the haze was quite bad went I get out from my room. Anyway, take care everyone, and don't take my crap too seriously. =) *hugs*

Acceptance

let it go girl, you can do it =)
move on from here
whatever the future holds
come what may &
learn to embrace life..

love you, Joanne
take good care girl! :)

a nice song =)

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

a random disorganized entry

underneath your clothes
there's an endless story

what lies beneath the surface?
things are much more than what you can see on the surface. some await to be discovered, some wish to be remained hidden under the skin forever.

Anyway, I shall stop writing in riddles. this week has been a crazy hectic week. finally got my almost 8 hours of sleep last night. been sleeping like less than 5 hours every night. felt as if almost i'm going to be torn apart. thanks to all my dear friends who tolerate my insaneness.. =)

"How long can I take all these madness.." Joanne wonders.

my heart has changed. or rather my brain? haha...

My point is, things have changed. Everything. caught up with old friends last Friday. felt the distant, sad... I don't want to be trapped in this stupid position! I see myself in their shoes a year later... and I thought, what will happen to me? I'm afraid... because, damn, I don't even know how to express the fear. It's like stepping into a whole new dimension, you will be forced to grow up (I'm not even sure if grow up is the correct term, anyways..) do the things deemed to be 'politically', 'socially', 'generally-agreed' correct.

what fun? there's no fun element in that dimension, i'm sorry girl.

"let's play kite!" said Ruinie.

yeah, let's go play kite! I'm sick and tired of being consumed by the high amount of stress. :S damn. I don't even know a place big and windy enough to fly kite in S'pore... oh man, I want my beach!

A friend told me once, "it happened when you least expect it to.." I suppose so it does. and how often does it happen at the correct time and space? rarely, at least, to me. Oh crap, just forget about it girl... never meant to be anyway. Life is more than just that.. and it's beginning to get into me.

ever the same? impossible. though that would be nice. ^^

workload still lots as usual, fyp first prelim went ok.. though I did ok, I felt bad though. nvm, don't want to talk about it. still have 2 more term papers to go.

people have been acting weirdly around me also.. I guess is the stress level in NUS, keep on increasing, draining out all the happiness, like how a dementor drains out the happiness of a person. I'm just praying that the dementor won't give me the fatal kiss.. *pray*

Maybe I should... (weird, I totally forgot what was I going to say) anyway, just let it be..

Anyway, mummy called, thanks mum, love you! :) felt much better, great to know ah-ma is getting better, news about Amos always make me happy.. haha.. the thought of the 2 brats cheer me up! Joyce, ganbatte! I really dunno what to say, sorry always laugh at you.. :p Jay, working part time at JW now heh, must belanja me makan when I go back k? wish I were home... now that we are all at Spring Garden right.. cool! I really miss those days, btw Jay, let's go fly kite someday when I get back k? *winks*

Haha.. I wonder how many people could comprehend. Never mind.

Just felt like saying thanks to everyone right now... no particular reason. just felt like to.. =) For everything I guess, everything that brought me here today, to who I am.. thank you!

*big hugs*

actually felt little disturbed today, and little tired, BUT (yes, but.. *wink*) I will be ok!

xmy, I really missed those days in PGP.. haha.. I dunno why all of a sudden, am thinking back the old days, I guess because am already in final year, recollecting some past memories. Anyway, will make a point to catch up with you regularly... thanks for always being there for me too! =) my best buddy!

Okay.. shall put a stop here for now! rambling too much... take good care! **

confused state of mind

Joanne doesn't know what she wants of herself anymore.
She plans a LOT. But, she never got the guts to execute any of them.
Joanne ends up consoling herself that whatever will be will be.. which is actually bullshit.
Life doesn't work that way, whatever will be will not be unless you make it the way you want it turn out to be.

Joanne is confusing herself up again.
If the heart speaks of something, should Joanne heed her heart?

OMG, Joanne is complaining and raving again.

"Joanne, can you stop it?"

"Ok."

Joanne has reached the stage of beyond stress, she said it few times.
Maybe she is.
I can't even comprehend Joanne's thoughts anymore.
Perhaps it is time to press the panic button and run!

All these explain the headache I guess.

I get sick and tired of your rants, Joanne. Pick yourself up and live up with all the shit. Life sucks anyway. What do you expect from people, eyes of sympathy? forget about it. People have their own shit to worry about.

Poor Joanne, and all she wants is just an escape plan out of the whole mess. She feels so insecure at the moment. Perhaps... it is the moment to change now.

laundry woes

stupid f****** dryers!

enough said.

alright, time to try my luck on the dryers again, for the 5th time!

silly girl. blog for nothing. just to waste time.

tell Joanne that

she is doing fine,
everything will be all right, &
there will be happy endings.

*warm hugs*

No matter how

No matter how much I say that I don't care,
somewhere deep inside I still do;

No matter how much I convince myself that it's over,
I still hold onto that tiny gleam of hope;

No matter how ridiculous or impossible it may seem,
I still insist on believing it is possible;

No matter how reassuring I am,
in actual fact I am as doubtful as I could be;

No matter how happy I appear to be,
it is merely just a self portrayal;

No matter how many histories have proven wrong,
I am still as stupid as I have always been,
repeating the same mistakes over & over again,
knowing that I will falter,
still, I choose the same road.

No matter how distant the dream may seem,
I do hope that one day it will come true..

Well.. shit happens, so do miracles. =) *smiles*

good & evil

I was rummaging through my stuff, & found this.. written sometime about 6 months ago. =) About the battling of good & evil within an individual self.. how our heart deceives us sometimes, & we get digressed along the way; there are times, I am afraid that I will lose the battle to the devil's advocate & enter the world of darkness.

The little devil speaks of the evil
of plots and scams to cheat and lie

The little angel whispers words of kindness
of joy and happiness to you and I

Do you hear the angel sings?
Or heed the devil's cries?

There is terror in my eyes
fear that courage and hope will die
If that day ever arrives
love will bid the world goodbye (18-04-2006)

Some lame prose I wrote. It's been long since I've been writing such things, I think I'm losing the hang of it. haha.. :p not that I'm anywhere near good with what I'm doing. Oh well...

stop here for now. ciaoz.

three

1
like the momentarily spark of light
I thought I actually did see myself
through the eyes of others

I've found the lost part of me
for a while... awesome ^^

when will I see you again?
I miss being with me.

2
I am so dead tired today, been singing since 3+pm til 9pm, studied whole morning, slept less than 5 hours last night. life of a singer? not quite. I can't possibly concentrate on doing work right now.

Actually I have lots to say about choir now.. haha.. but, *yes, there's always a 'but'* ;) then again, I think I'll just not blog about choir today.

Realised that people around me are mostly younger than I am! I am getting older, no denial about that. Well, don't think too much about that! *young at heart* =p

3
There's a tendency of giving a general view on a person. It's like passing a judgment on a person without knowing that person well enough. Don't know, perhpas I'm getting rather weird at times, I like to watch people. When I'm quiet, I just like to watch, listen, & observe; and no, I'm not being fully objective. (some interesting observations in the bus journey back yesterday, in school today, choir.. but yeah, no time to pen it down. haha.)

The roles people play everyday, to different people, different setting.. there's such a myriad function! Simply astonishing & eye-opening if you look carefully enough. ;)

Yeah, weird girl I am. But then again *oops, but again*, come to think of it, it's kinda unhealthy 'cos it's very difficult for me to establish anything secure with anyone. Trust factor!

p.s. Btw, I think a pair of PRC couple is having a row... Haha.. oops! I can hear it clearly from my room.

Haha, yeah, I am bitchy to a certain degree. and yes, very stubborn.

Pardon the messy style of writing. I'm tired to the bone. Good night!
it's a starless night, the sky is red, I think it's going to rain.. oh great, I can be a weather forecast girl!

Crap! =p

I see me

I see myself in the eyes of another person and I realise I really miss that part of me a lot. What happened to that girl I used to be?

Still searching for her... tell me if you've seen Joanne. :)

It's one of those random crazy moments again... tell me I'm sane. Thank you!
To everyone: Hugs with love =)

=)

got my hair cut, finally! not Dora-look-alike anymore.. I think.
btw, my brother actually knows Dora! and he said it's a stupid children tv show... OK, Thanks so much for Joseph's great imagination..

family dinner last night! =) had some real food, and we were all super-duper FULL. never had such a full meal in months! Nothing special actually, some common dishes and satay! satay was the best! ^^

Jay (bro) has a new phone.. W700i (edited, happy? :p). Dad just bought it for him few weeks back. damn lucky guy.

This morning, tried to cut my brother's hair, but got my finger cut instead. what a clumsy girl! the blood was oozing out like Niagara Falls.. bloody hell! Dunno why my brother and sister were all so excited when I got cut.. thanks, so anxious to put some ointment on it which I strongly refuse 'cos it hurts BADLY. Haha... mum said that I was acting like Isaac (my little 4 year-old brother), ok, whatever.. I'm still not putting the liquid on my finger. :p It was actually quite fun haha.. felt like I was the small girl again. damnit. I have 2 plasters on my left hand now.

Did some research on FYP last night. who says we can't access the school's library database from home? By the way, I hate research!

Ah-ma (grandma) is all too happy to see me! yay.. =) me too! Although she babbles a lot, but nevermind, I only get to see her so much in a year, should just make her happy. No, ah-ma, I have no bf, haha.. and yes, I'm not eating healthily over in S'pore.

My piano skills got really rusty, oh man... I think I'm only a grade 3 level piano learner now. So sad... xianling, teach me how to improve. *wink*

Amos (2-year old bro) came over this morning.. yes, I still love the way he says my name haha.

Mum's huat kueh was delicious. She's preparing mee hoon kueh (ban mian) for lunch! Yes, I still like my mum's food the best!

***
Gosh, can't believe I actually blogged all these. Too naggy and all too girlie. hmm.. never mind. Haha.. I am just ecstatic to be home! =) Going out with Jay soon, perhaps I'll get a new pair of glasses :p Jay is getting shades.

an evening to remember

Event: NUSChoir Dinner
Venue: Fratello's
Time: 6.30pm-9.30pm

It was a great evening. =) Shouldn't start a long narrative blog, yeah, but I'm almost certain everyone enjoyed themselves, at least all the juniors who came did. haha.. not sure about seniors though.. I'm sure they did too!

Overall it was good. =) Big thank you to everyone! It is an evening to remember.

***
Ok, this is the not so nice part... I couldn't just get away with something good and be contented with it, can I? No I can't. There has to be some spoilers in it. I hate myself for it at times.

I overheard some conversation. and I hate myself for overhearing it. cos it just disturbed me to a certain degree, and I hate it 'cos it nearly spoilt the night for me. Well, I managed to console myself that it is of unimportance. =)

You know what, it's just that, I get the feeling that everything is so nice and beautiful, but... (quote xianling, 'there's always a "but"') somehow I get the feeling that, it is all a stupid facade. Everything will just fade of by the end of the night. The veils are removed, unleash the true selves... things aren't so well painted as all it seems. Stupid... why did I overhear that damned conversation! Ok.. nothing, I'm alright. *smiles* I'll just be happily singing in choir, not interfering with whatsoever... getting to know the juniors and all the nice people around, there are so many nice people I have yet to know! Yeah, I should just do that, and not let some stupid shit affect me right? *winks*

bastards.

Haha, yes, I do think I'm out of my mind. But never mind LAH...

Oh by the way, our a cappella piece didn't sound really good. I wasn't satisfied. Maybe we should just change singers to reach a better balance, perhaps Mich and Iris can blend better. =) Haha. or any suggestions to improve? hmm...

happy

Finally right.. haha. After so many unhealthy posts, it's time to blog something more positive and wholesome. =)

Am in a happy mood because...
1. I'll be going home tmr afternoon (actually it's this afternoon).
2. the choir get-together dinner just now was FUN! yes, I do mean it. Thank you!
3. the term break is here!
4. I read something wholesome which makes me feel good (though I doubt it'll last.. haha)
5. the fact that I am happy makes me happy, thus, I feel great about it.

YES, I am OK! for the umpteenth times now... *frowning* Do I always seem to be not ok? though I am sometimes, but then again, I am okay, seriously, just a little weird.. ok, maybe it's more than a little. Still, I'm fine.

Things to do...
1. need a haircut
2. go to the beach =)
3. play with my 2 "little brothers"
4. get a pair of black heels
5. teach my sister
6. term papers
7. term tests
8. FYP research
9. behind-time lectures
10. backlogged tutorials

If I have time, I should...
1. practice piano
2. read the books I've borrowed
3. watch movies
4. catch up with friends

I'm happy for now at least. I'm so happy for you Joanne... =)

However, life still sucks.

My short-term goal, at least

is to...

minimize my unproductive, procrastinating craps!

stop thinking too much crap and refrain from writing crap... it's time to get some serious crap done instead!
(e.g. term papers, fyp and preparation for mid term tests... not to mention lagging lectures!)

Yes, I'm still getting my mid-term break, time to breathe... can't wait for Friday. even more excited for Saturday to arrive 'cos me going home... wee... little piggy goes home! =p

strange feeling

It is a strange feeling.. words can't describe. But still, yeah, I do feel strange.

not bad weird feeling, or good funny feeling. just simply odd.

Anyway, shall go sleep now.. it's getting late. ciaoz.

i'm ok

really. :)

Thanks peeps for all the concerns.

As usual my down mood period doesn't last long. max 3 days, this time it's only 2 days! I've improved ok.. writing does help, though I sound very much insane. Oh well.. haha. I do agree that I am crazy at times.

Life is like this no matter what.. happiness is a perception, a choice.

Lotchni told me on Thurs during practice.."when people ask me what I want to be.. I'd answer I want to be happy!" =) It's the best answer ever, I thought.

I should adopt that kind of positive attitude! *smiling*

mirror

between each man
is not merely distance
there exists a boundless mirror
that separates humans farther

人与人之间
不仅是距离
隔着还有一片
无形玻璃镜子

Antara hubungan manusia
bukannya sekadar jarak saja
terdapat juga sebuah cermin sahih
yang tidak dapat teralih

***
I actually wrote this during lecture.. crazy right.. yes, I was lost half way into the lecture.

Mirror is an analogy of self. In between people, no matter how close we are, there is a higher self that comes before everything. which is why, at all times, we only see ourselves, as how we see ourselves in the mirror. The mirror reflects who we really are.

People may be just inches apart, but somehow, the egoistic of mankind deters the fall of the mirror. (How many people are truly humble & selfless?) At times of trouble, or some other circumstances, self survival is crucial, which is the first thing that comes into the mind.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with that. perfectly normal.

It takes 2 to break down the invisible wall of the mirror. It needs courage & trust to dismiss the illusionary mirror.

But life sucks. Things are easily said than done.

Well, I do know how to whine and complain A LOT, but in actual fact, probably I'm just a selfish bitch. So much easier to be a bitchy girl, I don't have to be nice, don't have to be kind, don't have to smile all the time... forget about the p's & q's! what politeness? This is truly madness!

Haha... oh, what shall I say more. I'm very not-myself today. I've been acting weirdly. Btw, indulging myself in my sulkiness was actually quite fun doing. Crazy. My unhappy day was successful. accomplished. Didn't do anything productive today.. horray!

Tomorrow shall be back to normal...

*eyes shut* I want to be happy! =) I don't care if it's ficticious or pretentious, I'll just move on with the stream of life...

WARNING:*It's not worth reading!*

it is one of those days where everything didn't turn out right from start
feeling troubled (dunno why... due to stress, I guess)
overslept, only woke up at 10am (missed my lecture)
grumpy mood, slight migrane,
"today is going to be like hell of a s***." I thought..
rained heavily when I stepped out of my place
awesome, was half drenched.. even with an umbrella
mood was sulky the whole morning (I suspect it'll last throughout the day)
tutorial was okay (finally something makes sense by mid-day)
rain hasn't stopped
still pitter-patter-ing on the roof top
and it's getting on my nerves

what's with me and that agitation?
****!
Oh and, you know what, NO, I am not OK.
I just chose to be unhappy today and unhappy I will be.
this is just great.

See, I told you not to read this... I'll be back to normal soon enough.

silence

there's only silence
to my heart's agitations
there's a crowd inside
and the soul is watching
silently repressing the uproar beneath
...
I'm so ******-**
nevermind.
my heart's clamor - silent killer

I used to love Sundays

Sundays used to be family day
We'd all go out shopping for the day
a typical family happy Sunday
that lasted for a few years

Well, parents grow older
facing mid-life crisis
financial burden higher
with aging grandparents at risks
children getting bigger and taller
things got more expensive
cost of living sky rocketed
competitions getting stiffer
everyone just get busier
less time for happy Sunday
life is getting shittier
each day as we grew older
we whine and complain about life
to virtual friends, pets
blog has becoming a fad
life is going digital and less realistic
everything in life just fused together
and it is not getting anywhere better

Someday you'll meet your special one
Sundays are spent with them
we called those romantic Sundays
but life doesn't treat us nice always
those sweet Sundays will be eventually called off the fun

one day you are thrown into a solitary Sunday
a day on your own
at least you get to be yourself
no pretense
no disguise
just you
and only you alone
and you'll wonder,
"I used to love my Sundays..."

2 conversations overheard

"hey man, why are you so dressed up today?"

"oh, I'm going to fo-tang (temple) later.."

I can't remember the last time I heard the name or visit a religious institution. Overheard that conversation few days ago in engin on my way to class. That phrase just caught my ear.

Not that I am a particularly religious person, but I used to visit the place of worship often enough to call myself a Buddhist. Triggered some thoughts and flashbacks. I remembered home. I remembered the scent of the incense, flowers, the familiar sound of mantra, I remembered that day clearly, playing back in my head, again. I felt a sense of detached, momentarily I was brought back to a year ago where all had happened.

Their fading sounds, the abrupt silence suddenly woke me from my stream of thoughts.

Now I'm at the present. I think of the past. I felt the throbbing pain. But I know that life still has to go on...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I still love her.."
"should I return all her stuff back to her?"
"Evevrything seems very blurr to me.."

I know it's very absolutely rude for me to pry into such conversation. But, I was trying hard to resist it.. the guy sitting in front of me during lecture yesterday was distracting. He was msn-ing during class with his friend. By the way, it was his friend that was confiding in him. Yes, I am very nosy.

I felt a little bad because I was feeling amused by that guy. I couldn't help to think that he is such an emotional guy. Perhaps he is really hurt and upset, maybe he is going through a hard time, probably he really is deeply in love with the girl... whatever the reasons, I failed to emphatize or feel sympathy toward that guy.

Or have I really turned immuned and stone cold hearted?

Or is it just a disguise I'm putting on? a denial factor inside me that refuse to face the real weak me. Always trying to act tough and strong and brave, but deep inside, lies a weak and helpless soul.

Anyway, whatever it was... probably he'll never forget that girl, but someday he'll meet another and will fall in love again, and his life will still continue with or without the previous girl.


Life is a mystery to be unfold?

game

we both waited
neither of us moved
invader descend upon the emptiness between us
the void between us have been filled
the game has a winner
and it is not I

I could use a big hug

I woke up feeling all groggy just now.. I think it's the accumulated lack of sleep.

Mum called last night. :) I realised all of a sudden I'm getting a lil homesick and feeling a void in me, again.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt of people whom I've missed and love. Perhaps that was the reason I was so reluctant to wake up, woke up at almost 11 just now. I hate waking to this kind of feelings, totally, especially on a quiet Sunday morning. It eats into me and makes me weak inside. damnit. I'll start getting self pity for being alone in a foreign place, and the outside world which is perceived to be a big bad place seems to be out to get me.

Sigh.. I could use a big hug now.

I miss getting warm big hugs. Hugs are so easily available at home. But, not here. I've gotten used living without it. But now, all I need is a dose of big hug. *:) (hugs...)

*********************************************************************************
okay... I'm feeling much better now after writing out. =) I'm just being my unusual self this morning. what fluctuations of mood I have.

can't I write something without a title?

I have a lot more time than I thought I would for this semester.

Now that I am basically living in the cocoon of NUS, not going out of campus often nowadays. Main reason being to save money, actually. Besides studying and choir, I am just doing more readings. don't give me that frown... I know I'm a bookworm, should expand my social circle but then.. nevermind. Books get me thinking, more books get me thinking more. Great. I will die of overdosage of grubbish going through in my head.

I'm officially a skeptic now. doubting people, plans, myself, values, objectives, almost everything. yes, almost. I have lost the believer in me. where is she? Trust is something I'm so afraid of trusting anymore. Disappointments are all I get from trust. People are just living under the disguise of moral obligations.

Read few books for the past weeks. Mainly books regarding psych, and a little philosophical content. Most of the time, I see myself in the eyes of the author, it's like being stripped stark naked and being exposed. There's a book on love (interesting, fun and easy reading, gets you thinking as well), another on moral (don't quite like this book, everything is on the father of evolution - charles darwin), and a book on happiness (mentioned before I think, it's another great book).

FYP is still directionless. Just been reading more journal articles and thesis papers. Feels like I'm getting no where. Honest speaking, I'm quite scared. What if I screwed up my FYP? f*ck. Don't even want to think about it. I feel like I'm just avoiding it, this can't go on forever, someday very soon, I have to propose something to my sup and prof. Don't even talk about the amount of stress for a stupid girl like me!

School's ok. As usual. I hope can get better grades this semester. Have been telling myself this from the beginning of semester 1 -_-" and I'm already in semester 7.

Been talking to a long lost friend few days back. He's right. I'm fussy. I will never get into a relationship at the rate I'm choosing. Still waiting... Oh well, I'm happy with my life now. =) can't complain much.

I miss home. At the same time, I'm not sure if I want to be home. I agree with Dan Gilbert, we perceive our happiness in the future, and when that day comes, our happiness level isn't as high as we thought it'd be. Happiness is a perception. Botton mentioned a similar theory in his book On Love.

Yes, I should go home during mid-term break. Having shoes/sandals crisis now. I miss decent food from home. I miss everyone at home.

Oh did I mention, my room temporarily stores an old keyboard? yes, finally, I can play "piano" in my room.

Every Monday I anticipate the arrival of weekend. And now, on an early Saturday morning (ok, not that early anyway) I am spending my time in solitude in front of my computer. Feeling damn reluctant to get the day started.

Haven't kept myself updated with soccer as well. I should. I really should.

Am I neglecting my friends who have graduated? Sorry if I do... just am tired at times.

Perhaps I am getting home sick... getting gibberish.

stop here. period.

facade

I get tired of all the pretense sometimes that I dunno what or whom to trust anymore. Everything is so well painted at times that we dunno whether what lies beneath. I get the feeling of awkwardness whenever I feel trapped in between 2 worlds.

Why can't people unite into 1?
Why segregation will always exist?

Maybe people are tired as well, tired of pretending to be happy and pleasing everyone to achieve unity. Why the hassle when people can just separate and form their own comfort zone? There never is a jugmental answer to these questions, ultimately it only depends on each individual.

Where is sincerity?
Where is friendliness?
Where is hope, peace and love?

I go to school everyday and see a lot of straight-boring faces. or some people will just cast you with a cynical look when they walked past in a group. some would give you the I'm-smarter-than-you stare in class sometimes. Few would actually smile and greet or give a simple nod. It's a tough life we are having. Everyone is so stressed up. I dunno why. Everyone is so afraid of people doing better than themselves. Everyone is so afraid of making mistakes. Everyone is very afraid to lose.

Anyway, I talked to a friend this evening, was asking him how did he sustain his stand for so many years... he just did. I told him that I hope I can be like him one day. Even when everyone walks out, I will still stand by my passion and move on regardless others' perception. Difficult. But I want to give it a try.

Oh, and... if life is really a big joke playing on us, I want to have the last laugh!

=)

courage

stop running away
don't turn your back
unleash the courage within

to conquer fear and doubts
to face reality
to embrace whatever challenges and changes
to uphold your beliefs
to defend your stand
to admit your mistakes
to accept criticisms
to say that you are sorry and mean it
to learn
to trust
to let go
to move on

*:)

more thoughts

I think I'll write a long one tonight...

Been thinking a lot. as usual. But even more, lately, I think it's the age factor that's catching up with me.

When was the last time I went home? It was like more than a month ago. I survived without any whinings, not much homesick, not that I don't miss home.. the feeling's different. Perhaps it's because home is never the same again, ever since grandpa passed. maybe.

I meet people here, new and old alike. I practice my usual observation skill on them which I think it's bad. I tend to classify people. who doesn't? but I particularly do, on a subconscious level. People change during the course of time, and my mindset towards them change, until it reaches some steady value, it will be embedded in me and it'll be difficult to change, again.

That's BAD.

I know. Teach me how to get rid of it then. I dunno how.

I feel like such a hypocrite at times. But that's how life works right? People are wearing masks everyday. Life is a play, and all of us are playing our own unique character. But who is the producer? Come to think of it, it doesn't really make sense, does it?

Anyway, ya, I tend to observe people, and I really hate it. By the end of the day, I fail to trust anyone(including myself). It's tragic. As much as I want to give an opportunity to others, as much as I'd like to love someone else, as much as I want to try out something different/new, as much as I want to have a sincere friendship/relationship, as much as I want to give myself an opportunity to do something which I have always wanted to do but never did; I always failed. I have a great tendency to make myself disappointed of my choice. does it even make sense? oh maan... I feel very cheated by my mind.

Oh btw, I think my appeal to read Finance is failed. No news til today. Yes, I'm upset. But then again, I am not so sure what I'm feeling right now. I feel more lost than sad, more disappointed than upset, more dissatisfaction than anger.

I always get the feeling things will be going to be good this time, but it never did. not once. My mind is playing a prank on me. It has always been. Perhaps it's the fear of unknown and uncertainty that resulted in all my drawbacks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a sea full of people
I stand alone in the crowd
amongst people that I thought I know
but in actual fact I realised I don't
I have only pretended that I do

I should take my broken wings and learn to fly
learn to trust and enjoy the moments in life
we only live once, and it's definitely too good to be missed
=)

constraints

If life is a journey to be discovered
why limit ourselves?

If life is all about learning
why narrow our choices of learning?

If life is about everything
why are there constraints regarding every damned everything?

People are compromising their lives for each other
Are you living a life of your own or a life of someone's else?


There are times that I feel so limited. So much things in my mind that I want to do, but it will most likely stay right there and get to nowhere. How to get rid of all the boundaries I have implanted in my head? perhaps I should set the limit to infinity... that's the best I can do I guess... -_-" yes, I am SO LAME!

Go to sleep now!!

I don't care if you read this...

I hate authoritarians!!!!

People can't just come in and tell you how to live your life and questioning every bit that you do in life.

I made my stand. and I am defending it till the end.

Anyway, ya, I feel much better now. not hungry anymore.. thanks Aaron for the cereal, and thanks to HZ, the discussion of hot babes cheered me up a lot. haha... yes, maybe I can be a les since choir has many hot babes around!!

Yes, I am nuts.

Now that I can laugh. I don't have to dwell myself with my musings to sleep.

Ok.. time to sleep now. Going to have a L-O-N-G day tomorrow... ;)

Dreams are too good to be true

It can be scary at times to believe in dreams and always get disappointed by the reality
But dreams are hope that keeps human alive

I dreamt of getting my module.. haha. Only to wake up and realised it was a dream. Yea man, that's how badly I want that module. I dunno how well I could score in that module, but I really want to give myself a chance to try.

I dreamt of being the happiest girl in the world.. I think everyone does. Haha.. dunno what's wrong with me. But reality tells me otherwise.

Hell.. I should just pack up and move on and just grab hold of my life!! =) Easily said. haha.

Ok, what will be will be... will just do the best I could and the rest will follow!

=)

I should be happy as long as I'm not getting any nightmares.

crossroad, again.

I should know where to call it a stop
Everything moves on
People move on with lives
I should, too.

Perhaps it's another adventure
or quest
or pilgrimage
or whatever
I belong to the future,
I just don't belong to this chapter anymore

yes, I should just call it an end
and move along to the next phase

so much so that I'd love to stay
no matter how relunctant am I
separation and letting go is a must
yes, I'd rather be heartbroken than heartless
time to move on

I hate crossroads,
but it is where our hearts grow
everytime we reach a crossroad
our hearts stop, think, and move on
and there will be a void within us
forever...

that's how life works.. I guess.

A day of profanity... until...

Dunno why I was feeling so sucky today. I think it started after meeting with prof and sup regarding fyp.

Everything was alright in the morning.. at least til around 11+

Then things like started going so chaotic. Actually it wasn't "that" chaotic.. but I made myself see it as a catastrophe. What am I saying??

There were like 101 things for me to do today. Yes, I did write it all down in my organiser. I needed to return Jap textbooks to the vendor, help a friend buy slippers (haha.. don't ask me why), get stuff from 2 different friends at different times, meet the Thermodynamics guy (a buyer) to sell my book, contact another friend regarding some other urgent stuff, AND get my appeal done!!! supposedly to do laundry but I didn't. supposedly to do Jap hw but didn't. How fantastic!! And some other misc stuff...

I went round the school whole day... so tiring despite not having a single lesson. wtf.

and I kept forgetting things.. typical me. then I started using the f word for everything thing that went wrong. I was so sick of the telephone ringing (calls and smses) was already at the verge of ripping my phone off.

Oh man... I am so violent. haha...

Anyway, the worst part of the day is... I went to Engin's Dean's Office to ask regarding my appeal. They refer me to the Undergraduate Office at Level 4. Fine. went there, spoke to the person in charge, left my name, then realised my appeal was a special case.. need to submit to school of biz. And the woman, sorry, I mean the lady, she said that the appeal can only be done through the school of biz dean's office. OK, so I went to biz. and guess what?? the lady referred me back to Engin Dean's Office. Hahaha... How exciting right?? It was already lunch time. so I settled some other stuff first then went to engin again. Yes, I was already f-ing every little detail that can possibly f me off. So, back am I at the Dean's Office.. again, they sent me to level 4, again; and then, waited for like 20 min the lady told me that "you don't have to go to business school, we will send the appeal over to business school..." I was like wtf. Fine, as usual I put up my smiley face. thanked her. yes, I am grateful of her help.. sincerely, just that I was in a grumpy mood. because of everything that just was the whole day just now.

Ok, that was my day of insanity and profanity... until...

After that everything went on alright.. helped choir with auditioning. There were more ppl today.. 50ppl. and they have to call it a stop. haha. I asked Adyll to help test my range =) we got free food, and, there are hilarious jokes at the dinner table, as usual... I really do love NUS Choir ;)

But, the ultimate thing of the day is... I found out that Chaiyen and I are working in the same lab for our FYP!!! =) so cool... although our lab days are different hm.. which is abit duh.. haha. nvm.. I'm still very happy about it!!

berguna -- 有用

apakah orang berguna?
Orang yang berguna ialah orang yang boleh diperguna?

何谓有用？
能被利用之所以是有用？

It's tragic that people are using each other without limits.
propaganda
relationships
money
work
studies
self-achievements

Altruism is a facade. Maybe it's just to make people feel good.
Being altruistic, so what? Lesser guilt?
Sincerity is bullshit. There never was sincerity without a slight intention.
either it's for self-satisfaction or satisfaction of others.

For instance, you see an old woman with a stick struggling to cross the street. you went up to help her. you felt good helping her and you are proud of yourself.

What if the scenario changes, suddenly the old woman fainted in the middle of the road while you were helping her, and you were actually rushing for time but you couldn't just let her lie down in the middle of the road. what do you do? Do you still get the oh-so-good feeling... or start to worry.. about the woman or about yourself more?? think about it.

Good samaritan?

EPL

starting soon... hope man utd will have a good start and win the EPL title!!

Ruud's gone to Real, Solskjaer is back in action again. Sir Alex didn't just splash the money around to buy players this summer. I'm sure Sir Alex knows his stuff, I hope (crossed my fingers). And let's welcome a new exciting EPL season ahead!

Btw, why is everyone going to Real? Even Cannavaro has gone to Real... can't expect him to stay in Serie B I suppose. Real is a soccer-stars club. unfair.

about happiness

I came across this word while I was reading today.

The title is Stumbling on Happiness.

Yes, I have always been interested in psychology, especially in the studies of the minds. Amazing thing we have in all of us.

But we don't really know how to use our minds... do we? Or we do, but we chose not to?

Anyway, I'm going to finish this book, hopefully.. haha.. yes, HOPEFULLY. Hope is one thing that keeps you being happy, cos the mind anticipates something that is going to be pleasant happening in the near future. Now, what's the definition of happy again?

sick episode

I dunno what made me sick, although the doc said it was food poisoning but I doubt it.

vommited yesterday evening..
had a series of diarrhea last night..
felt chilly and feverish til this morning..
stomach was in turmoil..
and I still feel very much bloated.

生病是很不幸的事，更何况在异乡病倒了，更是再可怜不了。

daren't eat anything today, or rather had no appetite. only had a cup of hot milo until dinner time, had a tuna sandwich from Subway.

I couldn't remember feeling much worse away from home. Being sick makes one so vulnerable and I hate it when I'm feeling this way... so weak, so helpless.. so unlike me.

Anyway, I think the medicine is taking effect.. getting drowsy, I'd probably should just go to bed.

good night...

recollections**

ok, will write a short one to pen down... =)

past few days have been busy helping the current comm with choir matric fair stuff.. brought back lots of memories I have in NUS Choir.

my first choir and only choir =) love it.

It was 3 years ago, xiugui and I had been talking about joining choir, and heard about how difficult it was to get into. but, we wanted to try.. both of us really like music. I did help out in a choir back home as a temporary pianist (a super lousy one, I knew the conductor wasn't satisfied with this lousy pianist haha) for a few months and honestly speaking, I don't really exactly know what it is like to be in a choir. I just knew that I'd like to join. perhaps it was because of Sister Act, or Sound of Music, or King and I... I dunno.

The journey began during matriculation fair. I saw choir booth. Melody spoke to me, first impression was, she's a really nice senior... really wanted to be in the choir. I remembered not going for welcome tea.. can't remember why. I was little nervous during auditions. I remembered seeing Mich Tay and Hats in CFA, filled up forms, interviewed by Mel, auditioned by Terr and yes, I remembered terence yeo in the audition room as well. xiugui was in choir during primary, I have no experience.. bit worried whether will I get thru or not.. but audition results defy my doubts.. my best friend and I were both in NUS Choir!! we were esctatic!

We missed choir camp that year, and left half way during formal dinner... which I still regret about it until today. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't miss any of it!

omg.. there's a lot more to say.. haha. can't be possibly writing non stop like this. too disorganize.. will write more after organizing my memories and thoughts =)

friendster

thanks to friendsters, people get to be in touch with friends/people somehow or another.

it's effectivity is yet to be determined though. haha..

been rather busy for the past few days.. decided to take a little break and visit friendsters, which have been l-o-n-g neglected. cleaned up my mail box too. it was full of junk.

well, results of findings.. some of my friends actually have gotten married, few have kids, most have become more beautiful/charming.. and to me, it seems that time has just stopped for years. I'm still the same plain girl... (and this evening a woman mistaken me as a freshie... ||-_-|| speechless)

anyway, thank you, friendster!

Are you sure you know how to lead my life?

"you should have done this..."
"no, this is not the way.."
"why aren't you listening to me.. you'll regret later.."
"trust me, I am older and wiser and more experienced.."

Do these sound familiar to you? It does to me. Everyone seems to know how to tell another to lead their lives but not their own? Oh, get a life.

It's a world full of authoritarians.

Yes, it is sickening. indeed.

People learn from their own mistakes, and some said it's better to learn from other's mistakes. But what doesn't work for you, doesn't mean that it won't work for me. Do you see where I'm getting to? Ultimately, it is the process that counts, we gain different knowledge and experiences from different things. I still believe the end is always the same for everyone. But the process of life is different, and that is the only thing you can do something about it.

what is pride?

check this out more on pride from wikipedia. Yeah, it's not an entirely reliable source at all, oh well... just a fun read.

Pride is more than just being egoistic, vanity, self-centredness, patriotic, attention-seeker...

Just been thinking about it lately, if there is a price for "pride" how much will it be?

I'm just asking for humbleness is that too much to ask for?

tired of being trapped by the shadow of pride
seeing people betraying their true self
for the sake of their pride,
to maintain their status quo
is humbleness too much to ask for?

Sometimes things become so used to, so much so that people never realise what has become of them.

when pride eats up a person's soul, there will never be love resides in the heart. And that will be the saddest thing that'll ever happen.

I pray... for humbleness of mankind. =)

how much does "pride" worth?

lone ranger

what's the idea of lone ranger sounds like? fun, no? I think it's perfectly cool if I had the money and to travel where ever I like. I have the long holidays, but not enough liquid cash & no green lights to go back packing by myself!

can't even go travelling within the states.

family? friends? everyone has their own lives. It's not really nice to bug them all the time anyways...

there are people whom you think you'd really get along with, share the same interest.. but then, the time just ain't right for you to be together to do something fun.. or simple to share your common interest.

birds fly in flock.. but why am I always ended up stranded in the middle of the crowd so helplessly. yeah, a lone ranger does blend in well in the crowd. no one ever notices you; and, your are insignificant.

--the thoughts of a lone ranger--

summer cleaning

me and my bro reorganize the furnitures at home. we moved the 2 computers out from back room; one to upstairs, the other one at the living room. connected all pcs with wireless network. [not me, my bro, the IT technician ;)] we moved some damn heavy cupboards, clear up quite some mess, and now the back room looks more spacious.

quite a day. tiring. but satisfactory. =)

though was bit upset and mad cos of some stupid incidents.. but nvm.. like what my bro said, we do not have a choice but to put up with it, regardless of whether we like it or not.

there are some other places we have yet cleared, might do it tomorrow if we're not so tired. heh.

Anyway, Argentina lost to Germany. stupid. arghh.. maybe I should just stop watching world cup. or perhaps I should support the underdogs - Portugal.

Answered prayers

My prayers were answered
Perhaps there is God after all
or maybe there is a great force of the universe
that help those who are in dire

I've got a room in RVR Tower Block!
a great sense of relieve
you have no idea what joy this is to me

Thank you OSA
for giving me shelter for the next 12 months
in my academic year in NUS.


If there is a God, thank you!

desperate

ever felt so lost?
ever felt so uncertain?
ever felt so afraid for nightfall?

I'm desperate of getting a place to live
OSA rejected my appeal
I'm on the edge of the brink

My final year in school
My only chance to mark my life in NUS...
taken away from me

I still wanna be in NUS Choir
I still wanna have my campus life
The only semester I thought my life in NUS will get better
everything just went wrong!

I am tired of asking myself "why me..."
I am tired of hoping.. and get disappointed in return

Am I so not deserved an opportunity?

why me...

teach me please

Option A: (earn 6MC and left with 26MC for the final year)
- continue working long hours(Saturdays half day) for 12 weeks till 28th Jul with allowance of RM10 a day.
- most of the time work == doing NOTHING. really nothing. the simplest way I can put it is, I sold my hours to the company for RM10 a day to just to make up the numbers. arghh!!! Days I have work to do are best I don't care even if it's photo-copying work!
- left with only one SU option to be used in semester 7 or never ever.

Option B: (32MC in the final year)
- continue working long hours (Saturdays half day) till end of June with allowance of RM10 a day.
- fail to earn 6MC but the working experience still makes my resume looks good.
- a month to catch up with life, holidaying, reading books, learn Jap & photoshop!! (a bit too big heart.. me.. siao!) -- my final 3-month vacation!
- 2 SU options left to be used in final year.

to whomever that is reading this:
teach me please... I'm so fickle minded. I'm very much settled with option B but option A is what most of the people are doing... see... peer pressure and influence!! damnit. Forget about the road less taken... grr... no time for poetry now.
haha... sorry if I sound too harsh. I guess I just want to get more views on this matter. I'm afraid I'm clouded by my own visions.

thank you to whomever that responds... I wonder who ever reads my blog anyway.. hmm..