more thoughts

I think I'll write a long one tonight...

Been thinking a lot. as usual. But even more, lately, I think it's the age factor that's catching up with me.

When was the last time I went home? It was like more than a month ago. I survived without any whinings, not much homesick, not that I don't miss home.. the feeling's different. Perhaps it's because home is never the same again, ever since grandpa passed. maybe.

I meet people here, new and old alike. I practice my usual observation skill on them which I think it's bad. I tend to classify people. who doesn't? but I particularly do, on a subconscious level. People change during the course of time, and my mindset towards them change, until it reaches some steady value, it will be embedded in me and it'll be difficult to change, again.

That's BAD.

I know. Teach me how to get rid of it then. I dunno how.

I feel like such a hypocrite at times. But that's how life works right? People are wearing masks everyday. Life is a play, and all of us are playing our own unique character. But who is the producer? Come to think of it, it doesn't really make sense, does it?

Anyway, ya, I tend to observe people, and I really hate it. By the end of the day, I fail to trust anyone(including myself). It's tragic. As much as I want to give an opportunity to others, as much as I'd like to love someone else, as much as I want to try out something different/new, as much as I want to have a sincere friendship/relationship, as much as I want to give myself an opportunity to do something which I have always wanted to do but never did; I always failed. I have a great tendency to make myself disappointed of my choice. does it even make sense? oh maan... I feel very cheated by my mind.

Oh btw, I think my appeal to read Finance is failed. No news til today. Yes, I'm upset. But then again, I am not so sure what I'm feeling right now. I feel more lost than sad, more disappointed than upset, more dissatisfaction than anger.

I always get the feeling things will be going to be good this time, but it never did. not once. My mind is playing a prank on me. It has always been. Perhaps it's the fear of unknown and uncertainty that resulted in all my drawbacks.
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In a sea full of people
I stand alone in the crowd
amongst people that I thought I know
but in actual fact I realised I don't
I have only pretended that I do

I should take my broken wings and learn to fly
learn to trust and enjoy the moments in life
we only live once, and it's definitely too good to be missed
=)