three

1
like the momentarily spark of light
I thought I actually did see myself
through the eyes of others

I've found the lost part of me
for a while... awesome ^^

when will I see you again?
I miss being with me.

2
I am so dead tired today, been singing since 3+pm til 9pm, studied whole morning, slept less than 5 hours last night. life of a singer? not quite. I can't possibly concentrate on doing work right now.

Actually I have lots to say about choir now.. haha.. but, *yes, there's always a 'but'* ;) then again, I think I'll just not blog about choir today.

Realised that people around me are mostly younger than I am! I am getting older, no denial about that. Well, don't think too much about that! *young at heart* =p

3
There's a tendency of giving a general view on a person. It's like passing a judgment on a person without knowing that person well enough. Don't know, perhpas I'm getting rather weird at times, I like to watch people. When I'm quiet, I just like to watch, listen, & observe; and no, I'm not being fully objective. (some interesting observations in the bus journey back yesterday, in school today, choir.. but yeah, no time to pen it down. haha.)

The roles people play everyday, to different people, different setting.. there's such a myriad function! Simply astonishing & eye-opening if you look carefully enough. ;)

Yeah, weird girl I am. But then again *oops, but again*, come to think of it, it's kinda unhealthy 'cos it's very difficult for me to establish anything secure with anyone. Trust factor!

p.s. Btw, I think a pair of PRC couple is having a row... Haha.. oops! I can hear it clearly from my room.

Haha, yeah, I am bitchy to a certain degree. and yes, very stubborn.

Pardon the messy style of writing. I'm tired to the bone. Good night!
it's a starless night, the sky is red, I think it's going to rain.. oh great, I can be a weather forecast girl!

Crap! =p

I see me

I see myself in the eyes of another person and I realise I really miss that part of me a lot. What happened to that girl I used to be?

Still searching for her... tell me if you've seen Joanne. :)

It's one of those random crazy moments again... tell me I'm sane. Thank you!
To everyone: Hugs with love =)

=)

got my hair cut, finally! not Dora-look-alike anymore.. I think.
btw, my brother actually knows Dora! and he said it's a stupid children tv show... OK, Thanks so much for Joseph's great imagination..

family dinner last night! =) had some real food, and we were all super-duper FULL. never had such a full meal in months! Nothing special actually, some common dishes and satay! satay was the best! ^^

Jay (bro) has a new phone.. W700i (edited, happy? :p). Dad just bought it for him few weeks back. damn lucky guy.

This morning, tried to cut my brother's hair, but got my finger cut instead. what a clumsy girl! the blood was oozing out like Niagara Falls.. bloody hell! Dunno why my brother and sister were all so excited when I got cut.. thanks, so anxious to put some ointment on it which I strongly refuse 'cos it hurts BADLY. Haha... mum said that I was acting like Isaac (my little 4 year-old brother), ok, whatever.. I'm still not putting the liquid on my finger. :p It was actually quite fun haha.. felt like I was the small girl again. damnit. I have 2 plasters on my left hand now.

Did some research on FYP last night. who says we can't access the school's library database from home? By the way, I hate research!

Ah-ma (grandma) is all too happy to see me! yay.. =) me too! Although she babbles a lot, but nevermind, I only get to see her so much in a year, should just make her happy. No, ah-ma, I have no bf, haha.. and yes, I'm not eating healthily over in S'pore.

My piano skills got really rusty, oh man... I think I'm only a grade 3 level piano learner now. So sad... xianling, teach me how to improve. *wink*

Amos (2-year old bro) came over this morning.. yes, I still love the way he says my name haha.

Mum's huat kueh was delicious. She's preparing mee hoon kueh (ban mian) for lunch! Yes, I still like my mum's food the best!

***
Gosh, can't believe I actually blogged all these. Too naggy and all too girlie. hmm.. never mind. Haha.. I am just ecstatic to be home! =) Going out with Jay soon, perhaps I'll get a new pair of glasses :p Jay is getting shades.

an evening to remember

Event: NUSChoir Dinner
Venue: Fratello's
Time: 6.30pm-9.30pm

It was a great evening. =) Shouldn't start a long narrative blog, yeah, but I'm almost certain everyone enjoyed themselves, at least all the juniors who came did. haha.. not sure about seniors though.. I'm sure they did too!

Overall it was good. =) Big thank you to everyone! It is an evening to remember.

***
Ok, this is the not so nice part... I couldn't just get away with something good and be contented with it, can I? No I can't. There has to be some spoilers in it. I hate myself for it at times.

I overheard some conversation. and I hate myself for overhearing it. cos it just disturbed me to a certain degree, and I hate it 'cos it nearly spoilt the night for me. Well, I managed to console myself that it is of unimportance. =)

You know what, it's just that, I get the feeling that everything is so nice and beautiful, but... (quote xianling, 'there's always a "but"') somehow I get the feeling that, it is all a stupid facade. Everything will just fade of by the end of the night. The veils are removed, unleash the true selves... things aren't so well painted as all it seems. Stupid... why did I overhear that damned conversation! Ok.. nothing, I'm alright. *smiles* I'll just be happily singing in choir, not interfering with whatsoever... getting to know the juniors and all the nice people around, there are so many nice people I have yet to know! Yeah, I should just do that, and not let some stupid shit affect me right? *winks*

bastards.

Haha, yes, I do think I'm out of my mind. But never mind LAH...

Oh by the way, our a cappella piece didn't sound really good. I wasn't satisfied. Maybe we should just change singers to reach a better balance, perhaps Mich and Iris can blend better. =) Haha. or any suggestions to improve? hmm...

happy

Finally right.. haha. After so many unhealthy posts, it's time to blog something more positive and wholesome. =)

Am in a happy mood because...
1. I'll be going home tmr afternoon (actually it's this afternoon).
2. the choir get-together dinner just now was FUN! yes, I do mean it. Thank you!
3. the term break is here!
4. I read something wholesome which makes me feel good (though I doubt it'll last.. haha)
5. the fact that I am happy makes me happy, thus, I feel great about it.

YES, I am OK! for the umpteenth times now... *frowning* Do I always seem to be not ok? though I am sometimes, but then again, I am okay, seriously, just a little weird.. ok, maybe it's more than a little. Still, I'm fine.

Things to do...
1. need a haircut
2. go to the beach =)
3. play with my 2 "little brothers"
4. get a pair of black heels
5. teach my sister
6. term papers
7. term tests
8. FYP research
9. behind-time lectures
10. backlogged tutorials

If I have time, I should...
1. practice piano
2. read the books I've borrowed
3. watch movies
4. catch up with friends

I'm happy for now at least. I'm so happy for you Joanne... =)

However, life still sucks.

My short-term goal, at least

is to...

minimize my unproductive, procrastinating craps!

stop thinking too much crap and refrain from writing crap... it's time to get some serious crap done instead!
(e.g. term papers, fyp and preparation for mid term tests... not to mention lagging lectures!)

Yes, I'm still getting my mid-term break, time to breathe... can't wait for Friday. even more excited for Saturday to arrive 'cos me going home... wee... little piggy goes home! =p

strange feeling

It is a strange feeling.. words can't describe. But still, yeah, I do feel strange.

not bad weird feeling, or good funny feeling. just simply odd.

Anyway, shall go sleep now.. it's getting late. ciaoz.

i'm ok

really. :)

Thanks peeps for all the concerns.

As usual my down mood period doesn't last long. max 3 days, this time it's only 2 days! I've improved ok.. writing does help, though I sound very much insane. Oh well.. haha. I do agree that I am crazy at times.

Life is like this no matter what.. happiness is a perception, a choice.

Lotchni told me on Thurs during practice.."when people ask me what I want to be.. I'd answer I want to be happy!" =) It's the best answer ever, I thought.

I should adopt that kind of positive attitude! *smiling*

mirror

between each man
is not merely distance
there exists a boundless mirror
that separates humans farther

人与人之间
不仅是距离
隔着还有一片
无形玻璃镜子

Antara hubungan manusia
bukannya sekadar jarak saja
terdapat juga sebuah cermin sahih
yang tidak dapat teralih

***
I actually wrote this during lecture.. crazy right.. yes, I was lost half way into the lecture.

Mirror is an analogy of self. In between people, no matter how close we are, there is a higher self that comes before everything. which is why, at all times, we only see ourselves, as how we see ourselves in the mirror. The mirror reflects who we really are.

People may be just inches apart, but somehow, the egoistic of mankind deters the fall of the mirror. (How many people are truly humble & selfless?) At times of trouble, or some other circumstances, self survival is crucial, which is the first thing that comes into the mind.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with that. perfectly normal.

It takes 2 to break down the invisible wall of the mirror. It needs courage & trust to dismiss the illusionary mirror.

But life sucks. Things are easily said than done.

Well, I do know how to whine and complain A LOT, but in actual fact, probably I'm just a selfish bitch. So much easier to be a bitchy girl, I don't have to be nice, don't have to be kind, don't have to smile all the time... forget about the p's & q's! what politeness? This is truly madness!

Haha... oh, what shall I say more. I'm very not-myself today. I've been acting weirdly. Btw, indulging myself in my sulkiness was actually quite fun doing. Crazy. My unhappy day was successful. accomplished. Didn't do anything productive today.. horray!

Tomorrow shall be back to normal...

*eyes shut* I want to be happy! =) I don't care if it's ficticious or pretentious, I'll just move on with the stream of life...

WARNING:*It's not worth reading!*

it is one of those days where everything didn't turn out right from start
feeling troubled (dunno why... due to stress, I guess)
overslept, only woke up at 10am (missed my lecture)
grumpy mood, slight migrane,
"today is going to be like hell of a s***." I thought..
rained heavily when I stepped out of my place
awesome, was half drenched.. even with an umbrella
mood was sulky the whole morning (I suspect it'll last throughout the day)
tutorial was okay (finally something makes sense by mid-day)
rain hasn't stopped
still pitter-patter-ing on the roof top
and it's getting on my nerves

what's with me and that agitation?
****!
Oh and, you know what, NO, I am not OK.
I just chose to be unhappy today and unhappy I will be.
this is just great.

See, I told you not to read this... I'll be back to normal soon enough.

silence

there's only silence
to my heart's agitations
there's a crowd inside
and the soul is watching
silently repressing the uproar beneath
...
I'm so ******-**
nevermind.
my heart's clamor - silent killer

I used to love Sundays

Sundays used to be family day
We'd all go out shopping for the day
a typical family happy Sunday
that lasted for a few years

Well, parents grow older
facing mid-life crisis
financial burden higher
with aging grandparents at risks
children getting bigger and taller
things got more expensive
cost of living sky rocketed
competitions getting stiffer
everyone just get busier
less time for happy Sunday
life is getting shittier
each day as we grew older
we whine and complain about life
to virtual friends, pets
blog has becoming a fad
life is going digital and less realistic
everything in life just fused together
and it is not getting anywhere better

Someday you'll meet your special one
Sundays are spent with them
we called those romantic Sundays
but life doesn't treat us nice always
those sweet Sundays will be eventually called off the fun

one day you are thrown into a solitary Sunday
a day on your own
at least you get to be yourself
no pretense
no disguise
just you
and only you alone
and you'll wonder,
"I used to love my Sundays..."

2 conversations overheard

"hey man, why are you so dressed up today?"

"oh, I'm going to fo-tang (temple) later.."

I can't remember the last time I heard the name or visit a religious institution. Overheard that conversation few days ago in engin on my way to class. That phrase just caught my ear.

Not that I am a particularly religious person, but I used to visit the place of worship often enough to call myself a Buddhist. Triggered some thoughts and flashbacks. I remembered home. I remembered the scent of the incense, flowers, the familiar sound of mantra, I remembered that day clearly, playing back in my head, again. I felt a sense of detached, momentarily I was brought back to a year ago where all had happened.

Their fading sounds, the abrupt silence suddenly woke me from my stream of thoughts.

Now I'm at the present. I think of the past. I felt the throbbing pain. But I know that life still has to go on...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I still love her.."
"should I return all her stuff back to her?"
"Evevrything seems very blurr to me.."

I know it's very absolutely rude for me to pry into such conversation. But, I was trying hard to resist it.. the guy sitting in front of me during lecture yesterday was distracting. He was msn-ing during class with his friend. By the way, it was his friend that was confiding in him. Yes, I am very nosy.

I felt a little bad because I was feeling amused by that guy. I couldn't help to think that he is such an emotional guy. Perhaps he is really hurt and upset, maybe he is going through a hard time, probably he really is deeply in love with the girl... whatever the reasons, I failed to emphatize or feel sympathy toward that guy.

Or have I really turned immuned and stone cold hearted?

Or is it just a disguise I'm putting on? a denial factor inside me that refuse to face the real weak me. Always trying to act tough and strong and brave, but deep inside, lies a weak and helpless soul.

Anyway, whatever it was... probably he'll never forget that girl, but someday he'll meet another and will fall in love again, and his life will still continue with or without the previous girl.


Life is a mystery to be unfold?

game

we both waited
neither of us moved
invader descend upon the emptiness between us
the void between us have been filled
the game has a winner
and it is not I

I could use a big hug

I woke up feeling all groggy just now.. I think it's the accumulated lack of sleep.

Mum called last night. :) I realised all of a sudden I'm getting a lil homesick and feeling a void in me, again.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt of people whom I've missed and love. Perhaps that was the reason I was so reluctant to wake up, woke up at almost 11 just now. I hate waking to this kind of feelings, totally, especially on a quiet Sunday morning. It eats into me and makes me weak inside. damnit. I'll start getting self pity for being alone in a foreign place, and the outside world which is perceived to be a big bad place seems to be out to get me.

Sigh.. I could use a big hug now.

I miss getting warm big hugs. Hugs are so easily available at home. But, not here. I've gotten used living without it. But now, all I need is a dose of big hug. *:) (hugs...)

*********************************************************************************
okay... I'm feeling much better now after writing out. =) I'm just being my unusual self this morning. what fluctuations of mood I have.

can't I write something without a title?

I have a lot more time than I thought I would for this semester.

Now that I am basically living in the cocoon of NUS, not going out of campus often nowadays. Main reason being to save money, actually. Besides studying and choir, I am just doing more readings. don't give me that frown... I know I'm a bookworm, should expand my social circle but then.. nevermind. Books get me thinking, more books get me thinking more. Great. I will die of overdosage of grubbish going through in my head.

I'm officially a skeptic now. doubting people, plans, myself, values, objectives, almost everything. yes, almost. I have lost the believer in me. where is she? Trust is something I'm so afraid of trusting anymore. Disappointments are all I get from trust. People are just living under the disguise of moral obligations.

Read few books for the past weeks. Mainly books regarding psych, and a little philosophical content. Most of the time, I see myself in the eyes of the author, it's like being stripped stark naked and being exposed. There's a book on love (interesting, fun and easy reading, gets you thinking as well), another on moral (don't quite like this book, everything is on the father of evolution - charles darwin), and a book on happiness (mentioned before I think, it's another great book).

FYP is still directionless. Just been reading more journal articles and thesis papers. Feels like I'm getting no where. Honest speaking, I'm quite scared. What if I screwed up my FYP? f*ck. Don't even want to think about it. I feel like I'm just avoiding it, this can't go on forever, someday very soon, I have to propose something to my sup and prof. Don't even talk about the amount of stress for a stupid girl like me!

School's ok. As usual. I hope can get better grades this semester. Have been telling myself this from the beginning of semester 1 -_-" and I'm already in semester 7.

Been talking to a long lost friend few days back. He's right. I'm fussy. I will never get into a relationship at the rate I'm choosing. Still waiting... Oh well, I'm happy with my life now. =) can't complain much.

I miss home. At the same time, I'm not sure if I want to be home. I agree with Dan Gilbert, we perceive our happiness in the future, and when that day comes, our happiness level isn't as high as we thought it'd be. Happiness is a perception. Botton mentioned a similar theory in his book On Love.

Yes, I should go home during mid-term break. Having shoes/sandals crisis now. I miss decent food from home. I miss everyone at home.

Oh did I mention, my room temporarily stores an old keyboard? yes, finally, I can play "piano" in my room.

Every Monday I anticipate the arrival of weekend. And now, on an early Saturday morning (ok, not that early anyway) I am spending my time in solitude in front of my computer. Feeling damn reluctant to get the day started.

Haven't kept myself updated with soccer as well. I should. I really should.

Am I neglecting my friends who have graduated? Sorry if I do... just am tired at times.

Perhaps I am getting home sick... getting gibberish.

stop here. period.