A reminder

"life is short. make good use of it. don't waste time on useless stuff."

I know life is short. I know damn well... grrr...


I get that million-dollar question again... today.

"so, what do you want to do after you graduate?"

damn, I'm not even graduating yet, for heaven's sake! Alright... I should have a clear vision right now right? Well, the answer is, NO. I do not know what I want to do in the future... I only know one thing. Whatever that interests me, won't give me a secure, and promising future (big cash, stable job, perhaps stuck up in a boring job that you don't really like but in actual fact is the main generator of your income... yeah, that sounds more like a 'promising' future)

"I dunno..."

"What do you mean you dunno..."

"I dunno..."

and yes, you can imagine how's the conversation is like...

In actual fact, I've really seriously thought about this question... but just couldn't find an answer. After deep contemplation, and consulting various people... There're only 3 options in life:
1. choose a secure job with good pay and work till age of retirement.
2. venture in your business and taking a very high risk but then you are the boss.
3. don't work (prob the son/daughter of rich parents [don't blame your parents for not being rich, theirs aren't either...], strike lottery, or marry a rich husband/wife)
4. (is not a valid option actually) rob or steal or do some illegal stuff.

That doesn't seem so hard right... only 3 options to choose. 33.33% each.

Well, think about it... there's still a year for you to go girl.

Going to be 23... and I'm still clueless of my career life... damn. perhaps I should be a librarian?

reunited

After god-knows-how-many-months of separation from the world of soccer, I'm reunited with UEFA Champs League again in the early morning of Wednesday... Arsenal vs. Juventus.

After a period of hiatus, I'm back to reading.. just finished State of Fear, and just borrowed another Michael Crichton book - Prey.

After one excuse and another, I'm sick of finding excuses for myself. I just want to be engaged with soccer and reading, once again...

I bet I have lots more to catch up in soccer. I'll start with Champs League. =)

I decided to resume reading despite the craziness of hectic school's schedule especially nearing so many deadlines! ~@%^*($!#&*!!!

the match is on again... gotta go... :)

beach

If there is one thing I will miss at home, apart from my family; this is it - the beach.

Well, in actual fact it doesn't look as nice.. the beach gets dirtied sometimes. nevertheless, it is the beach where we grew up with... a lot of stories and memories. ** I will always remember the long walks... and the fun. (=

Over 22 years, the beach has changed a lot... it is one thing I love most, never a day that will be the same at the beach.

I wish the government doesn't reclaim the land... sigh... but then again, it really is just a matter of time it takes place. pray ** that some day the project will not take place.

just got back to NUS today and I feel so nostalgic already... damn. hang on girl! one more month and I'll be on vacation at home for 3 months!!!

I'm still awake...

at 0433hr on a Thursday early morning...

no, there is no soccer match on tv
no, there is no test or any deadlines the next day
no, I'm not sick... not that I know of, at least

I walked back from KR just now.. alone, best. and the best part is, once I've reached my room, it started to rain... inshya allah! Yes, I'm crazy... been talking to myself lately in all language I know.

you know what? I should just go to bed now... really. -_-

alive

no. 1 symptom: breathing

thank goodness I know I am still alive.

today was alright. despite the fact I woke up with a heavy head which resulted me skipping lectures... I guess it was the scarce sleep plus yesterday roller-coaster-emotional ride. I'm mad at myself sometimes.

the evening ended with a light heart... went to listen to a networking talk. seriously, it was just a good laugh session.. I don't care, as long as I had my fair share dose of laughter. oh, and is lady luck with me or what? I won a free book.. though I could have won the ipod-nano if the 1st called person was there to redeem his/her reward. (2 free books giveaway and 2 ipod-nano). Anyway, I love free stuff, who doesn't? what more is a lucky draw prize!! makes me feel gay for the day... ok, I'm a cheap person, I admit I like cheap stuff even more love free stuff!

yes, I'm still breathing alright... just to check that I'm still alive.

I dunno why the sudden emptiness...

I want to learn to love, and be loved
like the close kinship of the ocean and the rocks
oh, hush..
whisper lest the angels heard my complaints
for I've been granted a loving family
what could I demand for more

All will be well... I hope. self comforting myself... I yearn to be in the arms of my angel... least I'm still breathing, [breathe in... out...] I'm alive =)

letter of the day - F

I've never had a worse day than today... it's effing M-A-D!

10:25 realised I don't have enough cash, no, can't rely on Bernard. need to go YIH to draw.
10:27 called Elaine. fine, she said she'll prepare the stuff and get back to me.
10:38 met up with Bernard. ready to go, but Elaine hasn't gotten back to me.
10:56 still no news from Elaine. called her 2nd time. She hasn't even go and confirm with her workers about our orders. damn. great. she said she'll call back.
11:04 Elaine called back. all's done.
11:07 flag a cab to Tagore Lane
11:30 collect our barang, realised it's too thin the metal sheet. headache, another problem.
12:00 back to school by cab. and guess what $22 cab fare. best... I pay.
12:01 started doing work.. realised there's a lot of minor problems which lead to bigger problems. eff! I hate this project more than ever!
14:38 rushed to central lib to print term paper to submit.. only to realise my print job is not there. at this point, I'm already going bizzare!! eff everything!
15:00 walked back to room to chop chop print my term paper and have a quick lunch. yes, luckily I dapao else I'll just faint in my room and no one will ever find out... eaten nothing whole day.
15:18 done. rushed out to submit paper... yes, it's at AS7. it's FAR.
15:27 whoo-hoo!! I'm going to eff my effing life... guess what?? I forgot to submit my termpaper online... yes, I still got time... 5pm. BUT, I'm suppose to go back to workshop now!!! eff!! rushed back room again.
16:02 bus C just passed by me. incredible! alright.. decided not to wait.. will just WALK to workshop. been walking around from arts to engin to my room... why... walks are good for health.
16:17 reached workshop. oh shit, I realised I forgot the sand paper in my room. eff again! I dun care, not walking back to my room for the 3rd time. arghh... stayed till 5pm then rushed off to arts forum for another meeting.
17:14 was late for meeting but nvm, there are ppl who are later... as usual.
18:02 all ended well.. at least.

come to think of it, it's not too bad... but the emotions and moods going thru at that point of time is CRAZY! but no, I look well, I still manage to smile and sound cheerful... it doesn't matter what's going on inside, no matter how ugly, filthy, upset, rage, confused am I inside... there is always a presentation of self which is buoyant, display of kindness, friendliness... in actual fact I could just bite off anyone who just tries to get onto my nerves at that moment! roar!!!

ok, enough lunacy.

I'm so effing stressed up today. there are still minor stuff that makes me even more out of control... like papers getting stuck in the printer, which rarely happens! of all time, why just now when time was crucial! got sms about another project.. can't handle too many things at once, will just put off til tonight. wanna go run, but where are all the people??? :(

Don't care, I'm running today! with or without a running partner! I need rid of the eff word outta my mouth man... eff!

masquerade

Masquerade!
paper faces on parade,
Masquerade!
hide your face so the world will never find you,
Masquerade!
every face a different shade,
Masquerade!
look around,
there's another mask behind you!

Are you not tired of the pretense?
Thou shalt halt
be reunited with universe
stop being foolish
love thy ones who love & care
end the game of insincerity...

Oh nonchalant master of the mask!
stand out from the shadow
greet the world with new light
may it be the dawn
or the twilight
there will always be awakeness
within and beyond
the guise

for there is mixed elements
of colours, black & white,
of true and false
of reality and fantasy
the truth lies within...

completed...

After a hard day's of boring and tiring work... finally completed 2 assignments! phew! tmr need to start on my elective term paper... argh... work never stop coming in.

Don't feel like doing anything after finished those 2 assignments despite other work awaiting to be done. "Procrastination KILLS!!!" I must motivate myself! cannot keep on delaying and slacking and putting off things to future... ok, I will try. =)

Alright... since not going to sleep now, better go do some research.. or continue play hapland? Haha... Tmr confirm wake up late... need to go out buy bus ticket balik!! yay! ;)

ciaoz! nitez!

budget reallocation

urgent need of budget reallocation... else I'll just die away faster by the streets.

My way of budgeting will kill me gradually. It's a lousy way of budgeting... but then if I reallocate.. my monthly budget will exceed. :( I'll see how...

To save money in the expense of my health... not worth it yah.. though I'm feeling sick and stressed and void and bla bla... despite all the business... I missed certain touch I thought I'll never get in life and that makes me a little sad at times.

Aaanyway, (= all's well... just a little fluctuation of mood sometimes, but I'll do fine.

Now, most urgently, Budget Reallocation!!!

k.. off to resume project. ;)

the other side of the story...

smooth.

enthralled by glitteries, and richness, covered over $$ and illusioned under false hope & desire... will you resist the temptation and move on?

ask this question everyday..."if this were my last day to live, what will i do, and with what perception/perspective do I view this world/people?'
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sounds very shallow I guess.. but what I'm drawing the attention is looking at the other side of story and you'll change the ending of your self-built fairy tale. =)

light headed...

getting a 10 minute break from my essay.. phew! [inhale deeply... exhale... haha]

I'm feeling light headed and heaty these days... it's not a good sign. Stomach not very good. Frequent headaches. No appetite. Blame the weather? or the stress of workload? Slept at 5am this morning rushing assignment... but woke up at 11.30am haha...

Anyway, we went for a run on Monday night ;) thanks chaiyen, HZ & Kurien! ok, Ah Chai forbade me to post our sweaty exhaust looks on my blog :p Anyway, it was a great run. Not like is a big achievement... I ran super slowly, really running at walking pace... must jiayou next time! yes, there will be a next time! We'll try make it a weekly affair, good [thumbs up] hopefully we'll keep it up girl! ;)

Decided to go for a swim... despite feeling light headed... =)

ok. I shall get back to work. outta here now.

lethargic

Perhaps it's due to the weather... or my current dull mood, maybe it's the boring-and-no-interest work. My head feels heavy the whole day since morning, very reluctant to wake up. I took whole afternoon to complete the outline of my term paper... at this rate of work, I'll be in no where in no time.

Lethargy is creeping all over me... arghh... I need some Adrenaline rush!

I gotta hang on there... in less than 2 months all would be over! I so badly want to get back to my books... my books counter hasn't been updating since beginning of March. I want to go for long walks at the beach... I miss the fragrant of sea breeze and greeneries at home =) yes, it is rather therapeutic...

Ground level work is hard but still need to be done... sigh.

Home love family is my refuge from the outside world.

Till we meet again... my dear ones at home =)

in the midst of rushing for term paper... random thoughts...

Kinda mental block now. should I just continue my work tomorrow then.. haha.

I had a crazy idea the other day... as always, escaping is my refuge! bad bad... can't be running from everything my whole life right? and the irony is, I'm a slow runner, so no matter how I run, the problems still catch up with me!

ok, was in the workshop last Wednesday testing out some heating stuff. Some of the guys were hesitating whether to switch on the switch.. afraid of electric shock, [yes, we connected the wires ourselves, imagine 240V, 13A! haha!] Anyway, I'd just say I'll do it. yay... but unfortunately, I survived. I was thinking, if I kena electrocuted, then I might just end up in NUH, I don't care where I'd end up anyway... at that moment, I just knew it'll be enough to let me off the hook... crazy! Anyway, that was a bit exaggerated, we checked the wirings before switched it on. Dunno what was the chances of being electro-shocked, but I did it more for the thrill of it, sick girl me!

Not feeling really well tonight... haiz... dunno what's wrong with my stomach again. I don't want to die in agony.

perhaps I should just go to bed...

Oh I do miss home and all... When can I be home again? I ought to find time to go home, MUST! else sooner or later I'll just go berserk one day and all you can find of my remains is just a bird, I hope it's a lark or a mockingbird... Don't ask me what's the relation... I'm having random disordered thoughts at this moment.

There are certain things in life I love, there are things I dread but couldn't be avoided... there are things I wish for, and there are times where I miss... I wish I could just live time at the present. My friend mentioned something about "soul filtering"... hmm... and some "positive thinking" stuff. haha... just made me thought, aren't we all prone to be someone of self-fulfilling prophecy?

babbligng nonsense all the way... I'm very disorganized at this moment. I'd better stop and get to bed. good night everyone! *

Happy Ending =)

Tonight marked a happy ending =) We had a great concert & all of us enjoyed it!

Goodbye to all my dear friends in choir, it was great fun having you guys and girls together in this big family called NUSchoir. I'm gonna miss you all... we are all waiting for the realization of NUSchoir Alumni. Haha... we came up with a few names for it during supper.. SUNchoir (opposite of NUS :S), VC (Varsity Choir) or SVC or VCS etc...

Although I'm super tired, but it was awesome singing (plus doing choreo!! haha!) alongside with dear friends :) Great job!

Thanks xmy :) thanks to all alumni, our SM, MCs and all who made the concert possible!

It's a happy ending.

What's await in tomorrow, I do not know. It will be another start of a chapter... good night!

I don't just look tired, I am tired!

Most of my friends said that I look tired... but I am tired!

letih, sangat letih...

Projects aside, term papers aside, I have more urgent tests to come next week... woo hoo... how exciting! Yeah right... man! Damn.

These few days, I'm just busying with choir, concert's tmr! yay! after this, will be liberation AND judgment! Wow! liberation from Mondays and Thursdays routines and choir commitments, judgment for my school work... OMG, I'll just go dig a grave and start confessing all my sins before stepping into my deathbed. Arghh...

Enjoy tmr's concert girl... this will be the last VV with most of my batch's choir best friends! sob sob... gonna miss you guys and girls so much!!

No matter how tired, we promise to have great fun tmr night! Put all shites aside, live at present, and don't think about yesterday or tomorrow... Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be... whisper words of wisdom let it be...

After tmr... I think I'm gonna be sa-ad.. think I'm gonna be sa-ad... sob... alright, the world ain't such a mean place. there's always place for love somewhere... =)

[yawn] I'm really tired... good night my angel time to close your eyes...