super emo stuff for your entertainment haha

Intended blog entry 02082007 1553hr

Numbness is all I am. I have not a clue what to do of my career. I am being judged every day.

The whole world is looking at me, I am afraid of making mistakes. I give away one opportunity after another. People are certainly laughing behind my back I pretend not to notice and laugh it off when it happened to be in front of me.

Do I want to do sales? Yes, I do. But, there is always a ‘but’; I don’t want to be an irritating sales girl. Fuck. Life is definitely not easy.

Seriously, seriously, think about it, do you actually give a damn? Its all about the money isn’t it? Yes it is the money, and the time. The money and the time. And the love, the love which I never have, and I do not know whether will I ever.

I am in denial. How do I keep myself from drowning if denial is an ocean? Throw me a life jacket. Seriously.

I want the time of my life. I do not want to sell my time and soul to my career. It’s ridiculous. I want to do the things that I enjoy doing. I want to help people in the process. Altruism? Not quite. I’d say is selfishness. People help just to make themselves feel good about them selves. Speak about stupidity of human race.

Joanne is a lonely person. She is. Life is not a spectator sport; it’s more than just a game. It is not just about winning or losing. Sometimes when I win, I don’t feel happy. But I always try and feel sense of gratitude. I am thankful for who I am today, for making through another day of my life, but no, I am not joyous grateful. Gratitude and joy not necessarily come in hand.

I’m fine. I’m not sad. I’m far worse than feeling sad, in a way. I’m just jaded. Fighting the battle all by myself. People are there watching, they cheer, they support, they give words of encouragement, but seriously, you are all alone out there fighting the combat.

Sometimes, you feel like just giving the hell up. But you turn your head and see all the people up there at the audience seat, you just couldn’t do this to them. You just have to go on, until your last breath. You can’t call halt until the game is over. That’s the rule of life.

Face the harsh truth, you’re stuck in this whether you like it or not.

Yet another entry 03082007 1157hr

Seriously, I am all alone here. I don’t get any support that I need.

90% ppl at least discourage me joining insurance industry. Reasons being wasting my skills and education, losing friends & being disliked by most ppl. The truth is I'm scared.

“It’s up to you :) really" is the best reply anyone could give. And thanks, sincerely, at least you guys bother to listen :) *hugs*

I have no words to express my fear. It’s like going against everyone’s will. But then again, whose life am I living?

Taking up this career means more challenges ahead definitely, and it’s one hell of a challenge that is to change the mindset of the people. I ask myself truthfully, is it all about the money, no it is not. I want a career where I can learn, acquire skills which are applicable to life where I can help myself and others. Sounds bull shitting, maybe I am, maybe I am being a selfish bitch.

Am I prepared to face the cold shudders from people, friends even, perhaps being the talk over family dinner, being the topic of discussion, exhibit in the zoo, like I am some stupid swine. Spent a fortune on an NUS mechanical engineering degree and join the insurance industry. What the fuck is wrong with that?

Joanne, do you see yourself like that? If you are, I advice that you don’t take up this path. You are going to torture yourself.

Honestly?

Seriously, I never have once thought I’ve wasted my money, or education on my degree. It has given me more than just education, it’s the exposure, the experiences, the kind of education life I will never get back home. I’ve grown and changed so much in the past 4 years. Better or worse that I leave you to judge. However, the talks of the town do affect me, as much as I would like to say it doesn’t, it does, a little. I get discouraged when the whole world is against me, especially when I’m in times of trouble. I need to ensure I have a listening ear all the time. Just one. That’s all I’m asking for. A person who will always be there to listen, to give their honest truthful opinion, to show me the harsh truth when I’m blinded, to scold me when I’m being foolish, to comfort me when I’m sad, to share my happiness and joy, and in return, I will do the same.

I really want a career which I can find meaning in doing, where I can contribute something to myself, to others as well. I want financial freedom, I want time to do the things I love.

A friend brought up an issue worth for thought. Why would someone entrust his/her personal finances/wealth to a stranger who might have the intention to earn profit out of it? Good point. I wouldn’t want to disclose my finances to a stranger as well. It’s all about building trust and maintaining career professionalism.

So help me, help me find that courage. I do not know how all this will turn out. I am afraid. I’m all alone. I have this feeling, people are only there waiting to see me fail and fall and no one will be catching me from below.

Am I ready to make a drastic change? Another change.

Joanne really is tired but the journey is long. Rest stop isn’t really a rest stop if you are alone. I’m tired of thinking. I wish I knew the answer.

Haha *smiles* I still could not come to a conclusion. Seriously, I feel like I should just die now. End all this misery and shit.

I don’t have a career, I don’t have a life. What am I living for?

Sigh. To put it bluntly, I am not ok. I am not fine. Stop asking that so that I don’t have to tell a lie every time anyone asks. I am going nuts. Seriously.

Another intended entry 06082007 1307hr (Grey's elements inside haha)

Have you ever witnessed death? What it is like to see someone you love die?

Everyone lies. Everyone has secrets. There is always a line where we crossed and we wished we never did. We make corrections and we are on the other side of the line again. But, there have been changes. Things will never be the same again… even though we are on the safe side, on the other side of the line.

I do not know why birth and death always make me cry. I guess I am more complicated person than I ever thought I was. I cried, again. I’m glad I did. Crying does me good. Thanks to Grey's, again. :)

For the past week, I have been thinking a lot. I mean, really a lot. I am lonely here, bored, and I feel utterly stupid for crossing the line and not being able to cross back. Physically I am on the safe side, but really, I am at the opposite side.

Many a times I tell myself I will be ok. I am. I really do think I am. How can I not be ok?

Some things just can’t get off my head. People move on. I move on. Whether I like it or not, I have to. And stop getting myself caught in the web again.

I lied.

When life is actually much more fearful than death, we are ready to embrace death. I do not know which do I fear more, life or death?

I do think I am crazy. With such thoughts going through my head… how much weirder can I get?

p.s. I might just drop insurance in the end.
p.p.s. You know what, if only I have an avid group of readers. I’ll write. I will.