c.o.o.L.d.o.w.n

dunno what made me so stressed up and upset... I feel that I am full of hipocrisy.. and I hate myself for that. :( I lost control of myself... stupid me. spilling out everything... and covering spilt soup with what?? a mouth full of lies? I felt horrible. ok, enough. please don't ask me what was that. period.

I felt slightly better after dinner. Thanks a lot to Gina! =) She cooked porridge for us... how sweet and thoughtful of her. First time in 3 years, I actually felt warm and caring life in hostel. I am very grateful to be blessed with angels sent from heaven everytime when times are bad...

Going to miss choir damn lot... arghh... NUSchoir is my only refuge for my crazy-hectic-insane-outrageous workload. But... but... but... this Saturday will mark the end of this academic year of choir. sad... I am. I don't want choir to end... I'm going to miss all my best brothers and sisters in choir... sobz... the altos seniors especially. I don't want to walk down the year 4 road in choir alone... but... I know you girls were once there singing alongside with me for 3 years and I really appreciate that.

Yes, cool down now. but still bit agitated and frustrated. I'll die one day, of unduly amount of stress in life! heck!

Alright, will start studying now... good luck and all the best everyone! May we make this VV another memorable one, ya! =)

...

living in a grey world
under the shadows of unknowns
caught in between black and white
I am entrapped
desire to breakfree enslavements of attachments

LUCID

yet it all sound so mentally disturbed

Such paradoxically phrased words!
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I woke up today feeling bright and merry looking forward to a brand new day. Never had I thought it'd ended such miserably, lost of hope and faith... in some of the works.
Don't think about it... what will be will be... and whatever it is, there will always be a way. I do hope so... I really do. This is worse than dying... having the thought of almost to be dead but not fully dead, but going through much torments... Do you get what I mean???

****!
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[I'm fine. just pissed of with my stupidity and lost of interest... time to get back to the real world. to whomever reading this... thank you!]

Illusion

Time
An illusion?
Perhaps... for it can't be seen,
can't be touched,
can't be felt,
can't be smelt,
can't be sensed,
can't be heard,
can't be imagined,
can't be grasped..

But then, everyone is fighting against time,
chasing after time,
battling with time,
struggling to outwit time...

If time is an illusion, it is not even there...
when you are there it won't be there anymore.

Confusing myself... :S

I ought to do someting else better than thinking about some illusion

Oh no... I'm running out of time to finish my work!

Time again... there never will be enough time anyway...

Time is like holding water with your 2 palms... no matter how hard you clasp your hands together, water will still seep thru and within few seconds, all the water is gone.

It seems to be there, but then again, at the same time it never was there with you...

weekend escapade

destination: home
duration: 2 days
ratings: 5 stars

It was a stress-free weekend at home. tired. yes. but it was very reliefing. I got good food, good rest, no contact with outside world [my stress-related studies], leisure reading (finished a book), simple family get-together, nice long walks at the beach...
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I want to get a life out of this whole mess. I don't want to do this crappy-heading-no-where-wasting-time project. So freaking stressed up! grrr... I've lost the control panel of my life, I want it back!!! It's so helpless, looking my life heading to some unknown-bleak destination whilst I have no say in the direction I want to go.

One day I'll lose my head because of this load of shite!
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Back to reality. I cut my finger. accidentally. damn. While I'm figuring out what to do with my life ahead... I still have tonnes of work waiting for me to finish in few weeks.

Awesome. Welcome to the real world, kid!

Good luck!

Blink

Been like a chaos these few weeks... zoom... time flies, and it's week 6 of the term!!!

Lost again. Will do my best in finding my ways through.

I'd say there are many changes this semester... in all aspects. school. family. friends.

Not that change is bad. Changes are new challenges.

Keep moving forward... walk down the roads of life gracefully.

Blink. Time flies... Do not fret about the past, and not to worry about the future. Treasure each moment at present and live the best out of it. =)

恭喜恭喜

恭喜发财！万事如意！身体健康！心想事成！学业进步！

Haha... I am in a very Chinese New Year mood liao. :p

Can you believe it.. Nelson played "Gong xi gong xi" and we sang it after choir practice!!! Before that, Joel & Raymond sang a Jay Chou's song with piano accompaniment by Yanting; after which, Nelson played "The moon represents my heart"... faint... haha.. really funny, Fun!

I'm so glad to be in this part of the family(Nuschoir)... I guess this is what I cherish most in NUS. :) I've found great true friends (brothers & sisters) in my years in the choir.

Sometimes I'd thought, if I never did come to NUS, I'd deeply regret and it'd be a great loss of not knowing such wonderful friends in choir... and I'll never discover my fond interest of singing in a group! ;)

Faraway from home, this is where I could find a place for my heart to reside :)

3 posts in a day... hmm... what am I today? chatterbox? haha... okie, Happy Chinese New Year everyone! Happy Holidays!

=)

tired day, again

3 schooling days per week, 18 hours lessons, 6 modules. Ok, 5 modules actually, the other is project based (no classes). 2 free days come with a price. tiredness.

Now that tutorials have started, I start to feel the pain and tiredness of 3 days schooling week. Sounds damn nice.. only 3 days of school. Yeah.. indeed it does. But come to think of it, it really doesn't make much difference since I'm staying in campus :S there are still projects meetings, homeworks to be done, piling-up readings etc.

Today was a rather full day of lesson, though only 6 hours lesson straight, but it is enough to drain my energy. What a useless girl me... Haha, but then again, CNY is coming soon, quite in the mood for holidays now, again. Jialat.

Ok, I'd better go take a rest and go for choir practice later. :)

Mystery of the missing yoghurt...

My yoghurt went missing again. I'm getting rather amused by this... the second time now. Same brand, same type of flavour... queer isn't? haha...

I remember what xmy said... maybe someone hungry just took my yoghurt from the fridge, I might just have gave food unknowingly to the hungry. Whenever I remember what xmy told me, I am not angry about my stolen yoghurt anymore. :) haha.. Funny isn't how one's perception can just change the mood of a situation.

Well, but then again, I can't help to think of the mysterious phantom of the kitchenette. She must love yoghurt, aloe vera yoghurt in particular... It has to be a "she" hmm.. not a "he" I suppose. :S Young or old? Can it be the cleaner aunty? or perhaps just like you & me.. a student? :p

Anyway, enough of speculation.. just a little interesting story to share. ;) perhaps one day I'll meet this anonymous fella. Haha!

tired

I'm tired.

No lesson today yet so tired... why? Perhaps I didn't sleep well last night. sigh~ Feeling rather directionless. Can't wait to be home again... to be safe, & protected.

Met a friend in YIH canteen b4 choir, he made a hmm.. haha.. unordinary comment "hey.. your hair looks neater." what??? haha... first time I heard such hmm.. comment? compliment? statement? haha... I dunno. Anyway, thanks.

I guess I had a good hair day today.

Please let Saturday be here faster... and let time pause at Saturday evening. Impossible.

Alright. Will get an early rest today. =)

A new day

Self explanatory. *:)

This will be the start of a new day, new week... new leaf of another chapter.

Past couldn't be forgotten, sins couldn't be erased, we can only work on the present, to be a better person and lead a modest life.

All the best to all! Good luck!

p.s. I'm very happy can be home soon and have reunion with my big family... some times I couldn't help to be upset that you will miss this forever.

what is it to have succeeded in life?

To laugh often and much,

To win the respect of intelligent people and earn the affection of children,

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends,

To appreciate beauty,

To find the best in others,

To leave the world a bit better

Whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition,

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived – this is to have succeeded.

- The late Bessie Anderson

Stream of life *

This is the stream of life
In the milky way
Under the starry skies
People are busy with their lives

Are you riding with the waves?
or are you floating with the wind?

Do you smell the rain?
or the flowers and grass in the park?
Do you not notice the birds have migrated?
Are you an owl or a lark...
working hard in the day or night?
How often do you see a lost bird?

I'm still lost in the maze of my own
figuring the way of life
of how all is meant to be
maybe it is not important
or should I just follow the stream of life
to where it leads me to
may it be the morning light
or darkest night
I hold onto my faith
believing dreams will come true
in this stream of life
that true happiness is attainable *:)

will you, fly along with me, side by side, in this stream of life...
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p.s. what am I with all the birds' business... :p I dunno.

Runaway

Staring at the walls
Ruined paintings
Distant farway hope
I have the sudden urge of runaway

Runaway from fear
Runaway from doubts
Runaway from frustrations

Standing by the cliff
No where to run
Except turning back
and start the race all over again

What options do I have?
I have no where to run
the night goes on and on
when will I wake up from this dream?

I just want to put an end
to all miseries
and start seeing day with new light
which radiates the universe
filled up the voids in all souls

Runaway...
gather all courage I could find
and put a period to all sufferings.
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I could change the light of my journey
I have a choice
to look at things at different prespective
get hold onto things that can be changed
focus on my strength, on the positive stuff
perseverance and faith
will bring me through this hurdle
=) I trust in you - niao.er

Fear

Fear is only fear. But why is it sometimes that we are so afraid of fear? I do. I read somewhere sometime before that some people believe that there are only 2 categories of emotions in life: love and fear. anger, frustrations are said to be caused by fear; whereas compassion, kindness, joy are emotions of love. Is this so? Maybe... something to ponder about.

Meanwhile, I will try fight fear with courage and faith... *:) and I wish all the same too.

Fear has an acrostic: False Evidence Appearing Real. It’s fear that the unknown is going to be worse than the known even though the known is considerably less desirable.

~Zig Ziglar

1st day of school

:) All went alright... except being late for all my lectures besides the first lecture of the day. Travelling from one faculty to another in the rain just takes too much time. was more than 10 minutes late for Financial Accounting class, and was almost 20 minutes late for Materials lecture. Haha... hopefully next week will be better.

Was hesitating whether to come back to my room before choir, but then just decided to come back put some stuff. went online for about half an hour, and guess what? haha.. I get to have a video conversation over msn with Amos! haha.. he's so cute bald. such round head he has.. *:) why.. I do really miss a lot of things at home.. I'm not getting too nostalgic, but I do miss the little great things happening at home. Nothing specatular or out of the ordinary actually, in fact, they are by far the most common events.

I guess when you are away from home, you'll miss the little things in life that we used to take granted for...

I miss watching little brothers growing up,
caring for my aging grandma,
helping out mum at home,
playing n teasing with brothers and sisters,
having long walks by the beach,
playing piano duet with my sister... etc

Anyway, 2 weeks more to CNY, which means, 2 weeks more to go home... how am I looking forward to that day! Meanwhile, do enjoy learning in school, girl! I learn not to get too worrisome and complaining too much about my life.. it is really wasting of energy come to think of it. We could have used that energy to do something more constructive about the situation, and if the problem is beyond our means of control, there's nothing more you can do that can make it better by worrying about it.

I wish all of us will have a great semester ahead! :)

gaining an insight

It's been raining heavily for more than 24 hours... I cannot remember when was the last time it rained so long... weather has been freaking cold... I don't even need to switch on the fan.

Raining day + Sunday = stay-in-the-room day + maggi day.

Well, as usual for these few days... I'm reading in my room and got somewhat enlightened by a simple message from the book. I learn an important lesson from it.

Change is inevitable. I think all of us are going through some sort of changes in a way or another. I'm learning to live life in a different light. Getting bit heavy hearted again, I felt my spirit a bit lifted somehow after reading Tim Russet's story.

God didn't take him away from me, He made a deal with me earlier I guess... He brought me into his life for a short, sweet 22 years and that has made all the difference in me.

Thank you. :)

thoughts... :)

After going round in circles in life... after reaching out aimlessly in the midst of darkness... I finally sorta found my way... I think I have find the road I want to go. But it seemed very distant... I have walked onto the wrong path, it will take me even longer to reach my destination. Nevertheless, I'm glad that I found what my heart has been searching for... at least, my heart is at peace.

What I've wanted have nothing to do with what I'm studying at present.. I have realized I am not born to be an engineer after coming through a long way... but what then? What is awaiting for me in the future? I have grown great interest in social science... So I asked myself... is it a sudden change of interest? What if it is only a temporary spark of enthusiasm... I listen attentively to what my heart has to say.

I contemplate the movement and thoughts of my heart... it is speaking in calmness. I find peace, I like studying about people and how they interact with the environment... people amazes me most of the time. How can we be so different and feel so much alike? How can we feel so different and be so much alike? I have many questions... but limited answers. But I've learned, learn to be at peace and take one thing at a time... :) live at the moment. Feel the surroundings, the environment, the birds, the people... and be connected to the universe.

Life is really too short to be hasty about it... live well :)

Rain

It's been raining everyday since I got back to school... such gloomy weather, cooling though. :)

Well, went out to do project today.. seriously, I dunno where are we heading.. nvm. What can I say?

Anyway, it was quite enjoyable, we went to a friend's house to do work.. first time really explore the East.. though been to Siglap few times but just it.. no where else. Tried Katong Laksa today.. hmm.. it's nice but a bit too "lemak" haha.. I still prefer 468's Laksa (Melaka) ;)

Just because I'm single.. they call me "zero fighter"? :S very weird. dun understand the guys though..

Dunno how I worked till got myself blisters.. :S n cos just now was raining hard.. even with an umbrella, I was drenched.. what a day..

At the present, I feel good to be back in my room... sheltered from the cold air and rain outside. May those who are out there find shelter... it'll be another long rainy night.. I suppose..

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! *:)

Wow.. I see some spider webs around here, heh :p ought to post something here today. Hey, it's Christmas! ;) Wish all well and happy always and may the season of hope and sharing radiates throughout the universe.

New semester going to start soon.. been spending my holidays with my big family. It was a nice holiday with everyone back home.. my house was like housing 15 people during the holidays (somtimes even more than 20)! How exciting! Of course there are some quarrels here and there.. what do you expect with so many kids running around the house heh? haha.. Anyway it was long before I felt such happiness and noisiness at home.. it's great. My relatives going to go back soon.. another few more days.. After which, I'll enjoy a few more days of peace and I should be heading back to school soon after the New Year!

Till then, let's enjoy the joy of Xmas and fill the town with LOVE!

super expensive & super full dinner

heh.. the title explains everything. actually it's $20 Sushi buffet dinner.. I'm so broke now! Can you imagine I left less than $1 coins in my wallet only after dinner! :s best la.. niao.er

But the dinner was good, and satisfatory.. haha.. wouldn't say is GREAT cos I'm not a sushi eater.. was contemplating whether should I just call ala carte or buffet.. hmm.. but then, after calculations.. it comes to about the same price.. so decided on buffet. Haha.. I think xmy & niao.er ate really A LOT... best... I ate at least 10 plates! Good... dunno put on how much fat + calories + cholesterol + sugar content hahaha... yes cos a lot of carbs ma.. all will turn into sugar eventually. Hmm.. since when I'm so concern about my diet.. haha.. jialat.. no, cannot like this eat.. I see the way we eat and the amount of food we take.. :S really a bit scary.. haha..

Overall, I think it's nice.. a big group of us get together to have dinner.. =) It was nice.

Anyway, I'm going home.. best time.. haha.. cos I'm already broke! really looking forward to it.. n I'm suppose to wake up early tmr morning.. what time is it liao girl.. and my things are sooo unpacked yet. Best.