silence

there's only silence
to my heart's agitations
there's a crowd inside
and the soul is watching
silently repressing the uproar beneath
...
I'm so ******-**
nevermind.
my heart's clamor - silent killer

I used to love Sundays

Sundays used to be family day
We'd all go out shopping for the day
a typical family happy Sunday
that lasted for a few years

Well, parents grow older
facing mid-life crisis
financial burden higher
with aging grandparents at risks
children getting bigger and taller
things got more expensive
cost of living sky rocketed
competitions getting stiffer
everyone just get busier
less time for happy Sunday
life is getting shittier
each day as we grew older
we whine and complain about life
to virtual friends, pets
blog has becoming a fad
life is going digital and less realistic
everything in life just fused together
and it is not getting anywhere better

Someday you'll meet your special one
Sundays are spent with them
we called those romantic Sundays
but life doesn't treat us nice always
those sweet Sundays will be eventually called off the fun

one day you are thrown into a solitary Sunday
a day on your own
at least you get to be yourself
no pretense
no disguise
just you
and only you alone
and you'll wonder,
"I used to love my Sundays..."

2 conversations overheard

"hey man, why are you so dressed up today?"

"oh, I'm going to fo-tang (temple) later.."

I can't remember the last time I heard the name or visit a religious institution. Overheard that conversation few days ago in engin on my way to class. That phrase just caught my ear.

Not that I am a particularly religious person, but I used to visit the place of worship often enough to call myself a Buddhist. Triggered some thoughts and flashbacks. I remembered home. I remembered the scent of the incense, flowers, the familiar sound of mantra, I remembered that day clearly, playing back in my head, again. I felt a sense of detached, momentarily I was brought back to a year ago where all had happened.

Their fading sounds, the abrupt silence suddenly woke me from my stream of thoughts.

Now I'm at the present. I think of the past. I felt the throbbing pain. But I know that life still has to go on...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I still love her.."
"should I return all her stuff back to her?"
"Evevrything seems very blurr to me.."

I know it's very absolutely rude for me to pry into such conversation. But, I was trying hard to resist it.. the guy sitting in front of me during lecture yesterday was distracting. He was msn-ing during class with his friend. By the way, it was his friend that was confiding in him. Yes, I am very nosy.

I felt a little bad because I was feeling amused by that guy. I couldn't help to think that he is such an emotional guy. Perhaps he is really hurt and upset, maybe he is going through a hard time, probably he really is deeply in love with the girl... whatever the reasons, I failed to emphatize or feel sympathy toward that guy.

Or have I really turned immuned and stone cold hearted?

Or is it just a disguise I'm putting on? a denial factor inside me that refuse to face the real weak me. Always trying to act tough and strong and brave, but deep inside, lies a weak and helpless soul.

Anyway, whatever it was... probably he'll never forget that girl, but someday he'll meet another and will fall in love again, and his life will still continue with or without the previous girl.


Life is a mystery to be unfold?

game

we both waited
neither of us moved
invader descend upon the emptiness between us
the void between us have been filled
the game has a winner
and it is not I

I could use a big hug

I woke up feeling all groggy just now.. I think it's the accumulated lack of sleep.

Mum called last night. :) I realised all of a sudden I'm getting a lil homesick and feeling a void in me, again.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt of people whom I've missed and love. Perhaps that was the reason I was so reluctant to wake up, woke up at almost 11 just now. I hate waking to this kind of feelings, totally, especially on a quiet Sunday morning. It eats into me and makes me weak inside. damnit. I'll start getting self pity for being alone in a foreign place, and the outside world which is perceived to be a big bad place seems to be out to get me.

Sigh.. I could use a big hug now.

I miss getting warm big hugs. Hugs are so easily available at home. But, not here. I've gotten used living without it. But now, all I need is a dose of big hug. *:) (hugs...)

*********************************************************************************
okay... I'm feeling much better now after writing out. =) I'm just being my unusual self this morning. what fluctuations of mood I have.

can't I write something without a title?

I have a lot more time than I thought I would for this semester.

Now that I am basically living in the cocoon of NUS, not going out of campus often nowadays. Main reason being to save money, actually. Besides studying and choir, I am just doing more readings. don't give me that frown... I know I'm a bookworm, should expand my social circle but then.. nevermind. Books get me thinking, more books get me thinking more. Great. I will die of overdosage of grubbish going through in my head.

I'm officially a skeptic now. doubting people, plans, myself, values, objectives, almost everything. yes, almost. I have lost the believer in me. where is she? Trust is something I'm so afraid of trusting anymore. Disappointments are all I get from trust. People are just living under the disguise of moral obligations.

Read few books for the past weeks. Mainly books regarding psych, and a little philosophical content. Most of the time, I see myself in the eyes of the author, it's like being stripped stark naked and being exposed. There's a book on love (interesting, fun and easy reading, gets you thinking as well), another on moral (don't quite like this book, everything is on the father of evolution - charles darwin), and a book on happiness (mentioned before I think, it's another great book).

FYP is still directionless. Just been reading more journal articles and thesis papers. Feels like I'm getting no where. Honest speaking, I'm quite scared. What if I screwed up my FYP? f*ck. Don't even want to think about it. I feel like I'm just avoiding it, this can't go on forever, someday very soon, I have to propose something to my sup and prof. Don't even talk about the amount of stress for a stupid girl like me!

School's ok. As usual. I hope can get better grades this semester. Have been telling myself this from the beginning of semester 1 -_-" and I'm already in semester 7.

Been talking to a long lost friend few days back. He's right. I'm fussy. I will never get into a relationship at the rate I'm choosing. Still waiting... Oh well, I'm happy with my life now. =) can't complain much.

I miss home. At the same time, I'm not sure if I want to be home. I agree with Dan Gilbert, we perceive our happiness in the future, and when that day comes, our happiness level isn't as high as we thought it'd be. Happiness is a perception. Botton mentioned a similar theory in his book On Love.

Yes, I should go home during mid-term break. Having shoes/sandals crisis now. I miss decent food from home. I miss everyone at home.

Oh did I mention, my room temporarily stores an old keyboard? yes, finally, I can play "piano" in my room.

Every Monday I anticipate the arrival of weekend. And now, on an early Saturday morning (ok, not that early anyway) I am spending my time in solitude in front of my computer. Feeling damn reluctant to get the day started.

Haven't kept myself updated with soccer as well. I should. I really should.

Am I neglecting my friends who have graduated? Sorry if I do... just am tired at times.

Perhaps I am getting home sick... getting gibberish.

stop here. period.

facade

I get tired of all the pretense sometimes that I dunno what or whom to trust anymore. Everything is so well painted at times that we dunno whether what lies beneath. I get the feeling of awkwardness whenever I feel trapped in between 2 worlds.

Why can't people unite into 1?
Why segregation will always exist?

Maybe people are tired as well, tired of pretending to be happy and pleasing everyone to achieve unity. Why the hassle when people can just separate and form their own comfort zone? There never is a jugmental answer to these questions, ultimately it only depends on each individual.

Where is sincerity?
Where is friendliness?
Where is hope, peace and love?

I go to school everyday and see a lot of straight-boring faces. or some people will just cast you with a cynical look when they walked past in a group. some would give you the I'm-smarter-than-you stare in class sometimes. Few would actually smile and greet or give a simple nod. It's a tough life we are having. Everyone is so stressed up. I dunno why. Everyone is so afraid of people doing better than themselves. Everyone is so afraid of making mistakes. Everyone is very afraid to lose.

Anyway, I talked to a friend this evening, was asking him how did he sustain his stand for so many years... he just did. I told him that I hope I can be like him one day. Even when everyone walks out, I will still stand by my passion and move on regardless others' perception. Difficult. But I want to give it a try.

Oh, and... if life is really a big joke playing on us, I want to have the last laugh!

=)

courage

stop running away
don't turn your back
unleash the courage within

to conquer fear and doubts
to face reality
to embrace whatever challenges and changes
to uphold your beliefs
to defend your stand
to admit your mistakes
to accept criticisms
to say that you are sorry and mean it
to learn
to trust
to let go
to move on

*:)

more thoughts

I think I'll write a long one tonight...

Been thinking a lot. as usual. But even more, lately, I think it's the age factor that's catching up with me.

When was the last time I went home? It was like more than a month ago. I survived without any whinings, not much homesick, not that I don't miss home.. the feeling's different. Perhaps it's because home is never the same again, ever since grandpa passed. maybe.

I meet people here, new and old alike. I practice my usual observation skill on them which I think it's bad. I tend to classify people. who doesn't? but I particularly do, on a subconscious level. People change during the course of time, and my mindset towards them change, until it reaches some steady value, it will be embedded in me and it'll be difficult to change, again.

That's BAD.

I know. Teach me how to get rid of it then. I dunno how.

I feel like such a hypocrite at times. But that's how life works right? People are wearing masks everyday. Life is a play, and all of us are playing our own unique character. But who is the producer? Come to think of it, it doesn't really make sense, does it?

Anyway, ya, I tend to observe people, and I really hate it. By the end of the day, I fail to trust anyone(including myself). It's tragic. As much as I want to give an opportunity to others, as much as I'd like to love someone else, as much as I want to try out something different/new, as much as I want to have a sincere friendship/relationship, as much as I want to give myself an opportunity to do something which I have always wanted to do but never did; I always failed. I have a great tendency to make myself disappointed of my choice. does it even make sense? oh maan... I feel very cheated by my mind.

Oh btw, I think my appeal to read Finance is failed. No news til today. Yes, I'm upset. But then again, I am not so sure what I'm feeling right now. I feel more lost than sad, more disappointed than upset, more dissatisfaction than anger.

I always get the feeling things will be going to be good this time, but it never did. not once. My mind is playing a prank on me. It has always been. Perhaps it's the fear of unknown and uncertainty that resulted in all my drawbacks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a sea full of people
I stand alone in the crowd
amongst people that I thought I know
but in actual fact I realised I don't
I have only pretended that I do

I should take my broken wings and learn to fly
learn to trust and enjoy the moments in life
we only live once, and it's definitely too good to be missed
=)

constraints

If life is a journey to be discovered
why limit ourselves?

If life is all about learning
why narrow our choices of learning?

If life is about everything
why are there constraints regarding every damned everything?

People are compromising their lives for each other
Are you living a life of your own or a life of someone's else?


There are times that I feel so limited. So much things in my mind that I want to do, but it will most likely stay right there and get to nowhere. How to get rid of all the boundaries I have implanted in my head? perhaps I should set the limit to infinity... that's the best I can do I guess... -_-" yes, I am SO LAME!

Go to sleep now!!

I don't care if you read this...

I hate authoritarians!!!!

People can't just come in and tell you how to live your life and questioning every bit that you do in life.

I made my stand. and I am defending it till the end.

Anyway, ya, I feel much better now. not hungry anymore.. thanks Aaron for the cereal, and thanks to HZ, the discussion of hot babes cheered me up a lot. haha... yes, maybe I can be a les since choir has many hot babes around!!

Yes, I am nuts.

Now that I can laugh. I don't have to dwell myself with my musings to sleep.

Ok.. time to sleep now. Going to have a L-O-N-G day tomorrow... ;)

Dreams are too good to be true

It can be scary at times to believe in dreams and always get disappointed by the reality
But dreams are hope that keeps human alive

I dreamt of getting my module.. haha. Only to wake up and realised it was a dream. Yea man, that's how badly I want that module. I dunno how well I could score in that module, but I really want to give myself a chance to try.

I dreamt of being the happiest girl in the world.. I think everyone does. Haha.. dunno what's wrong with me. But reality tells me otherwise.

Hell.. I should just pack up and move on and just grab hold of my life!! =) Easily said. haha.

Ok, what will be will be... will just do the best I could and the rest will follow!

=)

I should be happy as long as I'm not getting any nightmares.

crossroad, again.

I should know where to call it a stop
Everything moves on
People move on with lives
I should, too.

Perhaps it's another adventure
or quest
or pilgrimage
or whatever
I belong to the future,
I just don't belong to this chapter anymore

yes, I should just call it an end
and move along to the next phase

so much so that I'd love to stay
no matter how relunctant am I
separation and letting go is a must
yes, I'd rather be heartbroken than heartless
time to move on

I hate crossroads,
but it is where our hearts grow
everytime we reach a crossroad
our hearts stop, think, and move on
and there will be a void within us
forever...

that's how life works.. I guess.

A day of profanity... until...

Dunno why I was feeling so sucky today. I think it started after meeting with prof and sup regarding fyp.

Everything was alright in the morning.. at least til around 11+

Then things like started going so chaotic. Actually it wasn't "that" chaotic.. but I made myself see it as a catastrophe. What am I saying??

There were like 101 things for me to do today. Yes, I did write it all down in my organiser. I needed to return Jap textbooks to the vendor, help a friend buy slippers (haha.. don't ask me why), get stuff from 2 different friends at different times, meet the Thermodynamics guy (a buyer) to sell my book, contact another friend regarding some other urgent stuff, AND get my appeal done!!! supposedly to do laundry but I didn't. supposedly to do Jap hw but didn't. How fantastic!! And some other misc stuff...

I went round the school whole day... so tiring despite not having a single lesson. wtf.

and I kept forgetting things.. typical me. then I started using the f word for everything thing that went wrong. I was so sick of the telephone ringing (calls and smses) was already at the verge of ripping my phone off.

Oh man... I am so violent. haha...

Anyway, the worst part of the day is... I went to Engin's Dean's Office to ask regarding my appeal. They refer me to the Undergraduate Office at Level 4. Fine. went there, spoke to the person in charge, left my name, then realised my appeal was a special case.. need to submit to school of biz. And the woman, sorry, I mean the lady, she said that the appeal can only be done through the school of biz dean's office. OK, so I went to biz. and guess what?? the lady referred me back to Engin Dean's Office. Hahaha... How exciting right?? It was already lunch time. so I settled some other stuff first then went to engin again. Yes, I was already f-ing every little detail that can possibly f me off. So, back am I at the Dean's Office.. again, they sent me to level 4, again; and then, waited for like 20 min the lady told me that "you don't have to go to business school, we will send the appeal over to business school..." I was like wtf. Fine, as usual I put up my smiley face. thanked her. yes, I am grateful of her help.. sincerely, just that I was in a grumpy mood. because of everything that just was the whole day just now.

Ok, that was my day of insanity and profanity... until...

After that everything went on alright.. helped choir with auditioning. There were more ppl today.. 50ppl. and they have to call it a stop. haha. I asked Adyll to help test my range =) we got free food, and, there are hilarious jokes at the dinner table, as usual... I really do love NUS Choir ;)

But, the ultimate thing of the day is... I found out that Chaiyen and I are working in the same lab for our FYP!!! =) so cool... although our lab days are different hm.. which is abit duh.. haha. nvm.. I'm still very happy about it!!

berguna -- 有用

apakah orang berguna?
Orang yang berguna ialah orang yang boleh diperguna?

何谓有用？
能被利用之所以是有用？

It's tragic that people are using each other without limits.
propaganda
relationships
money
work
studies
self-achievements

Altruism is a facade. Maybe it's just to make people feel good.
Being altruistic, so what? Lesser guilt?
Sincerity is bullshit. There never was sincerity without a slight intention.
either it's for self-satisfaction or satisfaction of others.

For instance, you see an old woman with a stick struggling to cross the street. you went up to help her. you felt good helping her and you are proud of yourself.

What if the scenario changes, suddenly the old woman fainted in the middle of the road while you were helping her, and you were actually rushing for time but you couldn't just let her lie down in the middle of the road. what do you do? Do you still get the oh-so-good feeling... or start to worry.. about the woman or about yourself more?? think about it.

Good samaritan?

EPL

starting soon... hope man utd will have a good start and win the EPL title!!

Ruud's gone to Real, Solskjaer is back in action again. Sir Alex didn't just splash the money around to buy players this summer. I'm sure Sir Alex knows his stuff, I hope (crossed my fingers). And let's welcome a new exciting EPL season ahead!

Btw, why is everyone going to Real? Even Cannavaro has gone to Real... can't expect him to stay in Serie B I suppose. Real is a soccer-stars club. unfair.

about happiness

I came across this word while I was reading today.

The title is Stumbling on Happiness.

Yes, I have always been interested in psychology, especially in the studies of the minds. Amazing thing we have in all of us.

But we don't really know how to use our minds... do we? Or we do, but we chose not to?

Anyway, I'm going to finish this book, hopefully.. haha.. yes, HOPEFULLY. Hope is one thing that keeps you being happy, cos the mind anticipates something that is going to be pleasant happening in the near future. Now, what's the definition of happy again?

sick episode

I dunno what made me sick, although the doc said it was food poisoning but I doubt it.

vommited yesterday evening..
had a series of diarrhea last night..
felt chilly and feverish til this morning..
stomach was in turmoil..
and I still feel very much bloated.

生病是很不幸的事，更何况在异乡病倒了，更是再可怜不了。

daren't eat anything today, or rather had no appetite. only had a cup of hot milo until dinner time, had a tuna sandwich from Subway.

I couldn't remember feeling much worse away from home. Being sick makes one so vulnerable and I hate it when I'm feeling this way... so weak, so helpless.. so unlike me.

Anyway, I think the medicine is taking effect.. getting drowsy, I'd probably should just go to bed.

good night...

recollections**

ok, will write a short one to pen down... =)

past few days have been busy helping the current comm with choir matric fair stuff.. brought back lots of memories I have in NUS Choir.

my first choir and only choir =) love it.

It was 3 years ago, xiugui and I had been talking about joining choir, and heard about how difficult it was to get into. but, we wanted to try.. both of us really like music. I did help out in a choir back home as a temporary pianist (a super lousy one, I knew the conductor wasn't satisfied with this lousy pianist haha) for a few months and honestly speaking, I don't really exactly know what it is like to be in a choir. I just knew that I'd like to join. perhaps it was because of Sister Act, or Sound of Music, or King and I... I dunno.

The journey began during matriculation fair. I saw choir booth. Melody spoke to me, first impression was, she's a really nice senior... really wanted to be in the choir. I remembered not going for welcome tea.. can't remember why. I was little nervous during auditions. I remembered seeing Mich Tay and Hats in CFA, filled up forms, interviewed by Mel, auditioned by Terr and yes, I remembered terence yeo in the audition room as well. xiugui was in choir during primary, I have no experience.. bit worried whether will I get thru or not.. but audition results defy my doubts.. my best friend and I were both in NUS Choir!! we were esctatic!

We missed choir camp that year, and left half way during formal dinner... which I still regret about it until today. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't miss any of it!

omg.. there's a lot more to say.. haha. can't be possibly writing non stop like this. too disorganize.. will write more after organizing my memories and thoughts =)

friendster

thanks to friendsters, people get to be in touch with friends/people somehow or another.

it's effectivity is yet to be determined though. haha..

been rather busy for the past few days.. decided to take a little break and visit friendsters, which have been l-o-n-g neglected. cleaned up my mail box too. it was full of junk.

well, results of findings.. some of my friends actually have gotten married, few have kids, most have become more beautiful/charming.. and to me, it seems that time has just stopped for years. I'm still the same plain girl... (and this evening a woman mistaken me as a freshie... ||-_-|| speechless)

anyway, thank you, friendster!